Young Writers Society

Hello!

I found a mistake in this poem and it was this line and only this "who lost their lives, their soul" I think there is supposed to be a plural in the word at the end. Other than this mistake I think your poem is good.

Hello there Alex! Dogs here with your review today. Great idea for a poem, I like the sound and theme of it. Because most of the things here are pretty stellar, I'm gonna have to throw on my total nit pick hat here to find really any problems in this piece. Which there aren't many.

"And once again, the tree stood alone/ Their hearts both stopped..."

Ok, two issues here. A: You should try not to start anything with "and," it's worse in short stories and novels, but regardless you certainly shouldn't start poems with "and," it sounds off and looks sloppy. Furthermore, you say the "tree stood alone" and than follow it up with "their hearts both stopped beating," from later reading I realize that you mean the animals that are by the tree, but the way you format this grammatically the hearts you refer to are directed at the tree. And hence plural stuff is off. So try to rephrase that line so the "hearts" refer to the animals.

Ok so for the rest of the stanza you use excellent imagery, but it's time to take it to the next step. You need far more exciting words to describe this excellent imagery. You use boring and overused words that I read every day in my reviews. The best tool to writing is THE THESAURUS!!! I say this in almost every single review, but go to a thesaurus to find stronger words for your writing. It works wonderfully.

"as the wolves howl to the luna goddess"

This is awkward because firstly, you didn't capitalize "Luna." Secondly because what you said is like saying you praise the Zeus god. Try saying: "as the wolves howl to the goddess Luna"

I like the last two lines, well done. Great ending their. All and all this is a great piece of poesy and I enjoyed reading it. Just a few minor nit picky things you need to correct and this will be a stellar piece. If you ever need a review let me know! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

I edited it, decided to take out the rhymes...

Hey there! Here to review.

I found this poem really intriguing. I read it several times, and found something different each time. Nice.

This first thing I notice is an unsteady rhyme scheme and rhythm. Your rhymes are so erratic that they almost seem accidental. It almost seems as though you felt the need to rhyme, so you just stuck them in wherever they fit. I'm usually not a big fan of rhyming; I find it sort of constricting. But if you're going to rhyme, be consistent.
Try reading this out loud to yourself. Better yet, give it to someone you trust and ask them to read it to you. Listen for the rhythm of the language. I found it a little stilted and rough. Sort of like a jet ski bouncing on the water as opposed to one of those little water skidder bugs.

I love the first two lines of the last stanza, although I would take out the word "all" in the second line for flow purposes. But then the last two lines seemed rather chopped, especially after the graceful first three lines of the stanza. I felt like the poem ended with me ramming into a brick wall. See if you can taper it a bit more, like the last chord of a choral piece sung in a cathedral. Let the sound linger as though the piece could continue. (I hope that makes sense.)

who lost their lives,
their soul

And once again, the tree stood alone,
Their hearts both stopped beating as one.