z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Everything Goes Wrong And Right

by Dracula


Susanna had promised her husband she'd bring home a pizza for dinner. They'd had a fight previous evening and this was her way of saying sorry. She'd also by been asked by her boss to finish archiving some documents before going home. She hadn't anticipated that it would take so long, and only locked the office doors half an hour before dinner time.

The pizza store, which was located conveniently beside her workplace, was packed at that time of night. Susanna didn't mind, it gave her time to phone her husband and tell him she'd be late. She pulled out her phone and dialled his number. The ring sounded in her ear for a second, then died. She looked at the screen and saw the battery symbol flashing. It was out of power.

Susanna shoved it in her handbag and walked down the road to a payphone. She deposited a coin and pushed on the dirty buttons. Tapping her toes, she waited as the phone kept ringing.

“Come on, Daniel...”

“Sorry,” her heart picked up when she heard his voice, but dropped straight afterwards, “but we're not available at the moment. Leave a message if you like.” Susanna thrust the phone back into place and reentered the pizza shop. She didn't bother leaving a message, because he never checked. Was Daniel still ignoring her or had he just missed the phone? Either way, he'd have to wait.

When Susanna collected her order, she carried the warm box to the bus stop. It was odd to be the only one there. Normally plenty of regulars were eager to chat. They had all left by now, of course, and Susanna stood alone with the rain puddles. She discovered why there wasn't anyone else – the last bus had already left.

She sat on the wet chair for a moment, pondering on whether there was any point in walking back to the phone. Daniel clearly didn't have his phone on him, and the town's taxi service was nonexistent. The sun was setting and she didn't have any other option, so Susanna decided to walk home.

In the bus she normally caught, it would have taken twenty minutes at the most. On foot, maybe an hour. And that was if the road was actually open. Susanna frowned when she saw flashing lights up ahead and groaned as a policeman approached her.

“Sorry, ma'am, but there was a car accident in this afternoon's downpour. Road's closed... to pedestrians as well. You'll have to take a detour.” He pointed down an adjacent street. Susanna had never been there before, and she explained this to the policeman.

He scratched his head and replied, “It might be faster if you follow the train tracks, actually. You'll see them round the bend.”

She begrudgingly thanked him for the advice and began the second leg of her journey. It was dark now and the chill was seeping through her office clothes. She was just thankful for the warmth of the pizza, held to her chest. She looked forward to sprawling on her couch and eating it.

Fate had another idea.

Susanna had walked along the track content enough, but then she came to a road crossing. There was a deep puddle stretched across it and she was wearing office shoes. Balancing on her tiptoes, Susanna stopped at the edge of the road and looked for cars. Though the wind had picked up and she couldn't hear the hum of its engine, Susanna saw a car's headlights approaching and waited.

To her dismay, the car sped through the puddle and a spray of muddy water flung up at her. Susanna shivered, wiping her face with her sleeve. She just wanted to get home, so she breathed in, held the warm box close and carried on.

Susanna tiptoed through puddle, her expensive shoes squelching. Focussed on this, she didn't notice a car, its lights broken, driving up the road. It didn't see her either and swerved at the last minute. Susanna jumped back. Her arms flung into the air and the pizza went flying. She fell backwards, water spraying around her.

Susanna stayed down for a minute, a wet, muddy mess in the darkness. Not even the food could warm her now – it was scattered on the ground. She put her head in her knees and sobbed. If only she'd walked back to the payphone and waited for Daniel to answer.

Susanna checked her watch, she was meant to have been home forty minutes ago. Would he be disappointed that she hadn't kept her promise? Angry, even? Would he come look for her? Probably not for some hours, at least.

Susanna glanced left and right, squinting to see in the darkness. The road was unfamiliar, but she didn't want to stay on the tracks. She knew the general direction she needed to go in. There wasn't another person in site, no one was coming to help, and she just wanted to get home. So she made the decision to get up and keep walking.

After five minutes, she reentered the suburbs. The house lights lifted her spirits. Even though the wind was howling, her ears perked up when she heard music. Susanna followed the sound and as it got louder, she could make out the passionate pitch of violins, the rich calls of trumpets and the heart-warming tune of a flute. She stopped outside a church hall. There was an orchestra playing inside.

Susanna entered the car park and sat back against the church's wall, she hugged her shoulders and closed her eyes. The music was comforting, like a woollen quilt in the winter. It was warm, like summer sun. It was colourful, like the flowers in spring. And its melodies floated around her like the falling leave in autumn. The music made her forget about the misfortunes of that evening.

Susanna sat by the church until the music stopped and a lady brought her back to reality.

“Are you okay, honey? You look like you've been in a warzone.”

“It seemed like I had.” The lady was holding a violin box – Susanna realised she'd been playing and instantly felt like they were friends. “But the music made me better. It was beautiful.”

“Thank you, that means a lot.” She began walking off, then turned back. “You look stuck. Can I give you a ride somewhere?”

Susanna accepted a lift from the lady and told her the story as they drove. The violin player was more than sympathetic and offered to take her for another pizza, but Susanna declined. She didn't have enough money, and by now, Daniel probably would have eaten without her.

When Susanna was dropped at her house, she saw that the living room light was on. So her husband was home, not out looking for her. She hoped he wasn't angry about dinner, even though it wasn't her fault everything had gone wrong. Everything right up until the church, that was. She didn't regret hearing the heavenly melodies of the orchestra.

“Susanna!” Daniel emerged from the front door. Her shoulders stiffened, expecting him to yell, but he only looked concerned. “You're finally home! Why are you all wet?”

“I missed the bus, and...”

“Never mind. Come in, I have dinner ready.”

“Dinner? But I was meant to bring it home. I'm sorry-”

“Don't be. I figured you had to work late, so I went down to the grocery store...” Susanna realised that's why he hadn't answered the phone. He'd been out. “And I made us a nice meal.”

A heartfelt grin was plastered across her face as she was led inside. Daniel wasn't even a little bit upset, it was as if their fight had never happened. Susanna couldn't have been happier.

A vegetable roast, complete with sourdough, was waiting on the table. Daniel brought in her pyjamas and Susanna changed as he piled potaoes and pumpkin onto her plate. She was warm, about to satisfy her hunger, and extremely grateful for such a good husband.

As they ate, Susanna experienced a feeling of deja-vu. It was a faint sound at first, but then she could make out the passionate pitch of violins, the rich calls of trumpets and the heart-warming tune of a flute.

“My bad,” Daniel followed her gaze to the TV, “I left the news on.” He was about to click the remote but Susanna grabbed it from him. The reporter was standing inside the church, watching an orchestra play. Susanna recognised the kind lady playing a violin. She smiled when the church wall came into view, knowing that she was on the other side of it.

“I've got a crazy, brilliant story to tell you.”

Susanna didn't remember that evening as the time she'd missed her bus, carried pizza along a train track, and fallen into a puddle. She remembered it as the night she'd listened to a heavenly orchestra and come home to a hearty meal made by her loving husband. Susanna wouldn't have changed a thing.


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76 Reviews


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Mon May 29, 2017 7:16 pm
Dest wrote a review...



The last bus for the night had already been.


It had already left? This read a bit awkward.

The music was comforting, like a woolen quilt in the winter. It was warm, like the summer sun. It was colourful, like the flowers in spring.


I loved the music descriptions! I felt like I could hear the peaceful music too.

I can be very skeptical at times, so I was surprised how quickly Susanna accepted a ride from the violin lady. Was there something about the lady she thought she could trust?

Overall, a very cute story because a bad day ended nicely.




Dracula says...


Thanks for my review! My justification was that she'd just listened to the woman playing, and it had completely changed the mood for the better. So she already feels like the lady has helped her.... but I can see why that might not come across, so I'll try to brainstorm other ways. :D



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Mon May 29, 2017 6:55 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a reveiw.
This a was a great story I think my favorite part was the end. It kinda made the whole bad day good.
Speaking of the bad day, it seemed unbelievable. I mean what city doesn't run buses after 7. And why would this character who seems so level headed get so distracted by her shoes then almost get ran over.Why would Susanna be afraid of the path that would take her home faster.

I need some more details on Her and Danial's relationship. Why would Susanna be nervous that Danial would get mad at her do they have a abusive history.

I think it would make things a bit more interesting and make more sense if there was a car crash or something instead of a pipe burst. It would also make the whole cop thing make sense because no cop would be on the scene of a pipe burst.

Over all really nice story. I didn't find many places that grammar needed to be changed. A+ work if you ask me.


Good Job and Keep Writing!!




Dracula says...


Thanks for the review! It's not really a city, just a suburban area or town(I'll try to make that clearer), and my town doesn't have buses after 5:30! :P In my town, the cops would also be there for little public disturbances to help out, so forgive me for not making it sound more natural. I'll definitely look through and brainstorm ways I can add more detail and make things clearer.



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Mon May 29, 2017 1:16 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey Dracula! MJ stopping by for a short review :)

So first things first, I'ma say all the words inside my head I wanted to ask how Susanna got to work. She didn't have a car, so did she take a taxi? If so, why does she complain about the quality of the taxi service later? Did she take the train or a bus? It's not the most important detail, but it was one area that I felt could be cleared up.

Secondly, Susanna seemed nervous that Daniel would be angry with her, but unless their marriage is already suffering, it seems more likely that he would be understanding and compassionate. I can understand feeling like he might be disappointed in her, but I don't think you could stretch that enough to encompass anger as well. This type of situation, or something along its lines, happens to everyone at some time or another- a series of unexpected and unfortunate events lead to your inability to follow through on a promise.

Thirdly, I doubt that policemen would show up if just some pipes burst. It would be a bit more believable if there was maybe a car crash in the rain, or some type of construction going on. Although burst pipes can be devastating and serious, I think it would help build the suspense up more if you had a car crash and it could also help to rationalize the impending car crash.

And fourthly, Samantha took careful steps to avoid being struck by a car earlier on by looking right and left, so it seems more unlikely that she would be so careless as to focus so much on her shoes that she would be hit by a car, even if the lights were out. It might be slightly unnecessary to mention how careful she was beforehand so it could seem believable, or to mention exactly how expensive her shoes were to justify her actions.

Overall though, I loved the twist at the end that brought warmth to a cold and dreary day, and thought it was a really sweet way to end the story. We see the protagonist have a rough day that takes a turn for the worst, but then some sweet music and a warm house and kind husband help to resolve that problem.

Keep writing!

Best wishes,
MJ




Dracula says...


Thanks! You definitely pointed out some important errors on my part. I'll get around to editing this some time and work on them. :D




Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell