The branches of trees whose bark has been burned weave themselves into an intricate net to catch me if I fall into temptation, trip over my tongue and into your arms - I’ll shed some light on the situation. Warm my hands at the same time and the creak of the floorboards underneath my weighted steps will encourage me to climb faster to the top, the summit. The climax of this intense mirage will fade away with the summer dreams of you kissing me but the harsh awakening of reality has set me straight. I know what I must do: not wake the neighbours, resting gently, sleeping softly like the whispered apology you tried to force out your throat. I’ve never known mercy, we’ve never been friends, this red burns bright and I burn right back. Watch me as I follow my destiny, watch me as I fly.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
This reminds me of these short Kafka stories I used to read a lot of translated into English. They don't sound bad (they tend to actually sound really good in terms of the word choice and "flow"), but they don't sound natural, and the way they're translated tends to obscure the meaning a lot. I do like the meaning and concept of this story quite a bit. The title is also great, with the wrath being scorned instead of the woman. It does often enough tend to be that women's anger is scorned and called "flipping out" or "getting emotional" even if the same thing in men would be "violent rage" or "being pissed off" (although I've heard dismissive terms used for men and serious ones used for females often enough). The text isn't "about" that though even if the title brings it to mind. She's "flying" but I get the sense that that doesn't mean something like fleeing so much as that she's going to kill him or some other act like that ("do not wake the neighbors... sleeping softly..."). So overall, I'm probably going to even favorite it because it strongly brings back mostly-good memories.
Gwendolyn Brooks said, "Poetry is life distilled."
Remember that. Distill your poem, simplify it so it has only the the bare necessities, elegant and sparse, that you need to get your point across. Also, fix the formatting. This does not read like a poem, and anyone expecting poetry will find their eyes lost in the long lines. People read poetry with one mindset and prose with another, so adjust your writing to that. Remember spacing and punctuation can add power to your poem, and emphasize what you think needs to be emphasized.
Thank you. This was an attempt at prose but yeah looking back I can understand how you would get lost in the paragraph
Hello, hello! Kira here for a review. Now, the work itself is pretty good, so no complaints there! One issue I have is that the title and work aren't closely related, the same follows with the description offered in the overview. In reality, the work is pretty vague, despite being well put together. In terms of formatting, try breaking it up at least once, it should be easier to read for others that way. Other than that, I really have no other details that I see needing fixing.
Kira out!
(Sorry if this doesnt help much, I'm a terrible reviewer.)
Thanks! I'll fix these things.