*is going to be rewritten*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
I have to get this out of the green room, so mehr. I'm going to find everything wrong (and give all the advice that I can). Feel free to read it; who knows, this review MIGHT actually help.
So first off: What happened to chapter four? I see a chapter one, two, three . . . and then five. What happened to four though! Don't forget about it -_-
Second off: If you must take a piece down for editing then remember that we YWS'ers now have the awesome ability to un-publish our works. You might try to use that instead -I think it would take it out of the green room too
Also, naming chapters can really help you organize your story's scene's. If you know the name of a chapter (if you know your story well) you can read a chapter name and have it mean a lot more to you than just 'chapter fifteen'. -_- Plus, it looks cooler.
Oh, yeah, and technically speaking 'The Back Of Your Eyelids' is incorrectly written. TECHNICALLY speaking you have TWO eyelids, and when you're writing titles (and capitalizing the first letter of every word), you don't capitalize the first letters of words like 'a', or 'you' -linkers. So, TECHNICALLY speaking the title should be: "The Backs of your Eyelids".
Meheh.
When you post something then take it down for 'rewriting' then I advise you to get a bit of feedback on it first; that usually helps.
For rewriting: Be careful to stay on task. It's easy to write by your whims, but if you do that then you'll never finish a major project. Find a GOOD idea, and work that out -DON'T write by your feelings and wants. -_- As cool as it is.
Anyway, that's it! Hope you got a speck of help. If you ever want a real good review, then, when you re-post this, let me know and I will oblige.
~Black~
Hi there!
The text messages should really be in italics. That way the readers can distinguish between conversation and a text message.
I apologize ahead of time because this is going to be a short review. I just want to comment on two things.
First of all, this story seems to be jumping around a lot. There isn't a lot of transition between chapters. I hadn't really thought about it before now, but this is a considerable jump. At the end of the last chapter, Abraham was lying on his bed looking at Denell's number and now all of the sudden they're together and kissing and all that. I just think that the story is moving along too fast.
Secondly, I want to see more characterization, especially from the characters found in Abraham's head. You've got your work cut out for you there because you have to convince the audience, your readers, that these people are real; because Abraham believes that they are. Show us what they look like or how their hair is too perfect for them to be a real person. Give us a little more insight into Abraham's mind.
Sorry if this review was too harsh and negative. I enjoy reading this, I really do. Let me know if you have any questions or if you want me to explain anything further.
Keep writing!
*Noelle*