The beginning remembered me of Dantes inferno but I liked it. You could try to make it longer and put some detail into it. Add a little more symbolism and metaphors. I love it as it is though.
My ninety-nine brothers
are wardens of the dead,
content with darkness
and ensnaring souls
on the shores of a river
we cannot swim through.
But as serpents hiss
our lullaby, I dream
of an Elysium of sunlight
and chasing flying discs
instead of the damned.
The queen came back once
with the autumn leaves
bearing strange cakes
that claimed to be bones.
My brothers refused
to taste the false flesh,
but it was sweeter
than immortality.
The beginning remembered me of Dantes inferno but I liked it. You could try to make it longer and put some detail into it. Add a little more symbolism and metaphors. I love it as it is though.
Hi Nite!
This is super cute, more so for understanding the challenge - whoooooa all those points! I think that your lines are a little short. You haven't given this lad any diminished thought capacity really, and he narrates pretty eloquently, so I feel like you can expand that a little more. You use the supplied demands very well, and I was sufficiently unsure of what this was about exactly til I got to the cakes, which was excellent. What a cute and apt manner of using it without breaking the idea of the underworld.
I don't dig false flesh because the cakes are claiming to be bones and not flesh? Maybe you're likening the cake to flesh instead, in which case I dig it. I like the sound, the alliteration is jazzy and I enjoyed the smooth way it flew off the tongue, so let's pretend it's the second thing.
There isn't a terrible lot to say about this poem, it isn't an amazing poem, but it's good, a solid poem without any holes. I don't know how much you can ask from a poem about an animal, I'm not well up on animal things! It should be as much as you can about a table, but it seems harder? Congrats for taking this on! Hit me up if you want me to come back and be more specific about what might not be working. Right now it's line length that is holding the poem back, the lines aren't moving with a good rhythm because the words want to move further than allowed.
Thanks for writing this!
~ Pen.
Ninety nine might be to big.
What kind of an (Elysium) do you mean.
What do you mean by (the false flesh).
Hmm well this was interesting but some of it didn't make any sense to me.
Nice job otherwise,in the mane time keep writing and good luck.
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