darkness drowns the sky
as teardrops slide down the shattered pieces.
whispers in the ground they're screaming;
names and faces filled with water.
of things not seen, existing still
they fill my mind and crack my skin
open, yet I do not bleed
the shade is pooling at my feet
and underneath the glass they smashed;
withered wooden splinters black
burning embers skim the wind they
silence my heartbeat with twisted
bone dry cries.
though banished from the world
to speak only in the dark,
mirrors of my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi! I like your writing style here. :3
I think it's cool how you dropped your commas and periods in interesting places. It can make it a little bit hard to read/comprehend from this point of view, like where you say "...teardrops slide down the shattered pieces. whispers in the ground they're screaming names and faces filled with water. of things not seen, existing still..."
I'm a little bit confused by the periods between pieces/whispers and water/of. I was a little unsure of the meaning there, just because it was hard for the voice in my head to see where you were going with it. It made me really interested to know how YOU hear the rhythm in your head, though, and I think it would be really cool to hear you read this out loud--to hear how you meant it.
Overall, I really like it!(: this poem is like a little window into the memory, and I think it's cool how you've positioned it, if that makes sense.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the review! About the rhythm, in free verse poetry the general rule for rhythm is to pause at the end of each line, and punctuation (mainly periods/commas) are used more as an artistic aspect. So it's more for looks rather than flow, but I suppose it depends on the writer.
I'm not entirely sure if that helped much, (sorry) any, thanks again!
~w&w
that does make sense. in that case, this is awesome.
Hello wordsandwishes!
Are very good and they create very good images!I found this to be quite an interesting and abstract poem! Although I didn't fully under stand it I know that it shows something really deep. Your imagery is very imaginative as well, phrases like:
Just a few small things:
I think it would look overall better if you included capitals at the start of every line or at least after every period. None at all makes it look a bit unfinished.
Also:
I don't really understand what you mean by that, the contrast between whispering and screaming is a little bit odd. I may be missing the meaning of this though.
Overall, very interesting poem, I did enjoy reading it!
Thank you for the review! Much appreciated.
*edits poem*