Young Writers Society

Wow, powerful images.
But in my opinion you are moving too fast, and not giving the reader enough time to drift from one scene to the other. In the last stanza you end too rapidly with plastic cherries. Your alliteration is great.
These are my favorite kinds of poems. Dark, Dramatic, leaving the last word to hang in the air.

Hello, Kyla here to review you. I really like this poem, it's very nice. I think that it has a good flowing movement to it. As I do to everyone else though, I would like to break it down and tell you exactly what I think about it. If I say something misleading, incorrect, or you disagree, don't hesitate to correct me.

Now, with this first part. I think it flows very well, and is strong. With that being said, I do however see some things that could be changed to make it better. I think that instead of puttiing "from cotton clouds" on the bottom, it would look better if you put it up on top with the first part. I think it would work like this:

Dust falls from cotton clouds;
Snagging and tearing,
on the wire made wind.

It still carries wisps of smoke,
From metal machines chinking;
Ticking like clocks.

There are still plastic cherries on the table;
Coal grey ruins.
It's where home used to be.

Oh my gosh! I love how open this is. It lets us assume what happened. For example, I assumed robots. I'm not sure if that's right or if there even is a right answer. I love how you seperated your lines so neatly, instead of having it all over the place or uneven. You did very well. Format has a huge play in whether or not people will read your poem. If it looks sloppy, chances are, people aren't going to read it. But, with neatness, people take in the poem, they truly think about it. I don't really see any flaws that I don't like but then again, I'm not a critique of poetry.

Reviewed.
RedApril29th.

I really like it - your imagery is absolutely brilliant. I love the way your line and paragraph breaks, really enjoyed reading it .x

Hi wordsandwishes! I really liked this poem. The imagery was superb and really added to the overall "feeling" of the poem. I also loved the expressions you used-not to crazy, but they each fit into the context. IN all honesty, there isn't much I can say that is negative or constructive about this poem. All there is for me to say is very well done!

Hey there, wordsandwishes! Sea here to review.

I really enjoyed this. You have some nice images going on, and I understood your ideas without them being thrust into my face.

I have a couple of nitpicks:
The second stanza is a little awkward. I think the culprit is that random fifth line "chinking." I would suggest matching the first stanza by putting the two participles together in the same line and see if you can add a little more to "like clocks." Granted, it will still have an extra line, but it won't stick out as badly. Unless you want to make the first line "That carries wisps of smoke." I'm not sure. You'll have to play with it a bit.

while earth's life disintegrates.