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139,679 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Wow, powerful images.
But in my opinion you are moving too fast, and not giving the reader enough time to drift from one scene to the other. In the last stanza you end too rapidly with plastic cherries. Your alliteration is great.
These are my favorite kinds of poems. Dark, Dramatic, leaving the last word to hang in the air.
Hello, Kyla here to review you. I really like this poem, it's very nice. I think that it has a good flowing movement to it. As I do to everyone else though, I would like to break it down and tell you exactly what I think about it. If I say something misleading, incorrect, or you disagree, don't hesitate to correct me.
Now, with this first part. I think it flows very well, and is strong. With that being said, I do however see some things that could be changed to make it better. I think that instead of puttiing "from cotton clouds" on the bottom, it would look better if you put it up on top with the first part. I think it would work like this:
Like I have said before, anything should have a proper tone to it. You want a reader to read the work as if it is being read to them. You have to give them time to understand what they read, have a pause and continue. Punctuation is a big thing to me because I don't like reading something to fast and not properly understanding it. Everyone hears a voice in their head when they read, pretty much reading something to them.
In this next part, I think it should go something kinda like this:
I think that it should be like this simply because I feel even though it is very nice, it still needs tone to it. I still think it needs correct punctuation.
I was actually confused with what you were getting at with this piece, so please if you don't mind explaining it to me?
I really like this next part, I think it is very lovely and strong. I think that you should've put "plastic cherries on the table" on with the top line. I think I would go like this:
I really hope this helped, you did very good. Keep writing!
Oh my gosh! I love how open this is. It lets us assume what happened. For example, I assumed robots. I'm not sure if that's right or if there even is a right answer. I love how you seperated your lines so neatly, instead of having it all over the place or uneven. You did very well. Format has a huge play in whether or not people will read your poem. If it looks sloppy, chances are, people aren't going to read it. But, with neatness, people take in the poem, they truly think about it. I don't really see any flaws that I don't like but then again, I'm not a critique of poetry.
Reviewed.
RedApril29th.
Thanks for the input guys! I really appreciate it:)
I really like it - your imagery is absolutely brilliant. I love the way your line and paragraph breaks, really enjoyed reading it .x
Hi wordsandwishes! I really liked this poem. The imagery was superb and really added to the overall "feeling" of the poem. I also loved the expressions you used-not to crazy, but they each fit into the context. IN all honesty, there isn't much I can say that is negative or constructive about this poem. All there is for me to say is very well done!
Hey there, wordsandwishes! Sea here to review.
The second stanza is a little awkward. I think the culprit is that random fifth line "chinking." I would suggest matching the first stanza by putting the two participles together in the same line and see if you can add a little more to "like clocks." Granted, it will still have an extra line, but it won't stick out as badly. Unless you want to make the first line "That carries wisps of smoke." I'm not sure. You'll have to play with it a bit. 
I really enjoyed this. You have some nice images going on, and I understood your ideas without them being thrust into my face.
I have a couple of nitpicks:
If you're talking about the planet or Mother Earth, "earth" should be capitalized. If you're just talking about dirt, you leave it lower case. I think you meant the former, but I'm not entirely sure because life springs from dirt. Now I'm confusing myself. *cough* Onward!
If you want to take it a step further, I would suggest adding in some sound devices (alliterations, onomatopoeias, etc.) that reflect the content. For example, when you talk about the clocks, you could use a lot of "t"s or hard "c"s to mimic the ticking of a clock. You can do the same thing with your rhythm. The world you've painted is very harsh and almost mechanical. I picture a bunch of grey factories and barbed wire. If you could somehow make your rhythm more robotic, it might be fun to try out.
The last stanza was wonderful! Very nice ending to a lovely piece.
Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-
Thanks for the review Sea^u^