Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to ignore all suggestions deemed not helpful.
If I offend I apologize. It isn't my intention.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this song concerning someone who is providing advice to a person whom he considers to be harassed. I like the imagery that it uses involving a darkness, silence, suffocation, casket, rattling bones, skin, breath, lungs, ceiling, and stars, to describe the condition that he perceives the person to be in.
By this we as readers can infer that the person isn't responding successfully to whatever it is that is causing the devastating effect. Otherwise no advice would be necessary. In short, the person is passively permitting something to affect life negatively.
The poem doesn't specifically describe what is causing the person to feel as if entombed in a cold, silent casket. Lack of loving is mentioned. But that brief statement alone doesn't justify identifying it as a primary cause. It could be depression due to a recent disaster. It could be due to illness, or old age or some serious physical or psychological handicap. It doesn't matter because the advice is applicable regardless of the cause.
Another statement which might be understood as indicating a cause is the mention of star worshiping and accompanied by a reassurance that she or he is far more important than those stars that are no longer deemed worthy of deep admiration or veneration. This creates the possibility that these stars are connected to the depression. So the speaker feels the need to devalue them and suggest that they are not worth the anxiety.
Suggestions
....that you so [worshiped[.] [misspelled]
You are more than this....
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Points: 664
Reviews: 841
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