perhaps it is dark and cold and violent
suffocatingly deep and silent
this place inside missing
some kind of loving
but your heart is not a coffin
built for the world to nail you in
and if you listen for the rattling of your bones
you will hear them muffled inside walls of living skin
the breath of your lungs lifting up the ceiling of your body
more alive than the dying stars
that you so worshiped -you
are more than this
and whatever it makes you feel that you are
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to ignore all suggestions deemed not helpful.
If I offend I apologize. It isn't my intention.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this song concerning someone who is providing advice to a person whom he considers to be harassed. I like the imagery that it uses involving a darkness, silence, suffocation, casket, rattling bones, skin, breath, lungs, ceiling, and stars, to describe the condition that he perceives the person to be in.
By this we as readers can infer that the person isn't responding successfully to whatever it is that is causing the devastating effect. Otherwise no advice would be necessary. In short, the person is passively permitting something to affect life negatively.
The poem doesn't specifically describe what is causing the person to feel as if entombed in a cold, silent casket. Lack of loving is mentioned. But that brief statement alone doesn't justify identifying it as a primary cause. It could be depression due to a recent disaster. It could be due to illness, or old age or some serious physical or psychological handicap. It doesn't matter because the advice is applicable regardless of the cause.
Another statement which might be understood as indicating a cause is the mention of star worshiping and accompanied by a reassurance that she or he is far more important than those stars that are no longer deemed worthy of deep admiration or veneration. This creates the possibility that these stars are connected to the depression. So the speaker feels the need to devalue them and suggest that they are not worth the anxiety.
Suggestions
....that you so [worshiped[.] [misspelled]
You are more than this....
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for the review -and no offence taken in the slightest
*edits*
1st read through: your syllable count is all over the place, and it's hard for me to hear the music to it, that is to say it's hard to recite.
2nd read through: Pretty straight forward meaning, i find. The hearer is extra depressed, possibly suicidal, and you are telling them they are more alive than the brilliant stars men gaze upon, and in some religions, worship.
I liked the imagery.
What type of song is this?
I am afraid I've incorrectly labelled by work; I thought lyrical referred to the lyrical type of poetry, though now that you mention it, it makes far more sense that it would be intended to signify a song. Many apologies XD
And many thanks for your review:)
Yes sir!