I try to sing,
but only whispers reach my lips.
Just as the wind
tries to blow me away.
T's only a breeze.
A quiet
mournful
melody
played by the birds
with feather soft wings.
Peace.
Why don't you last?
A little more sunshine
is all that I ask.
I don't know if I
can where this mask
without you here to hold it there
and hide my true face.
And keep the illusion
of hope.
For now I'm giving in
and I'm also giving up
.
The haze
is too bright to watch
as it sets.
I know that I'll miss it
when I go.
So I try to be strong
but
the truth is.
that my time has come
and my time
has passed.
This isn't typically my kind of poem, but you wrote it so well that it didn't bother me at all. Actually, I quite like it. After scratching my head and reviewing each line, I am saddened to say that I cannot find anything I need to critique. It flows really well; this is one of those poems that could be recited out loud and sound 20 times better than it looks on paper.
In any case, best wishes, and keep writing! xx
This piece shows true skill, metaphors galore. Obviously it could be better, but name something that couldn't use editing. I love what it says about life, it really hits it home for me, however I would have the lines written a bit differently, such as:
'So I try to be strong
but the truth is'
instead of giving 'but' its own line, but if that's your style then shoot for it. You're an amazing writer (though you don't need me to tell you that, lol) and I look forward to reading more of your work, keep writing.
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