a planned response
but the words are drifting out to sea
from the broken ship of her mouth;
sinking with her heart as it gorges on the brine;
water levels rising to leach from her eyes;
limbs shuddering and breath fainting
at the loss of the sound
so carefully organized into syllables, every word
she would speak to you -now
there is no part of the world still enough
to hear them drowning in the silence.
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Thanks for sharing this poem which describes a female who has planned and perhaps practiced the way she will express herself but who freezes when the moment to do so arrives. Nothing is said of the relationship between the speaker and the "you" which is mentioned as the one for whom she has planned the words.
So the reason for her panic becomes difficult to decipher and is left to the reader’s imagination. Neither are the nature of her words revealed. They might be related to a confession of infatuation towards a fellow student, teacher, close relative such as a cousin, friend. Might be words of admonition or involving a warning against a bully. Words involving breaking up with one she previously had promised love eternal. The possibilities are many but one thing is certain, something in saying those words is causing her to freeze and maybe wisely decide that silence is the wise course to take.
Maybe fear of the bully’s reaction kicked in. A feeling of empathy or compassion for her once beloved boyfriend. Realizing suddenly that the person whom she was going to divulge infatuation doesn’t deserve it. etcetera.
The hesitancy is described as words drifting out to sea.
Her heart gorges on brine.
Water levels rise to to leech something from her eyes.
She shudders at her inability to speak.
All of the above statements must be taken into serious consideration when attempting to evaluate what is really going on since they are hints that the poet includes to guide us towards a better understanding.
What do the sea, the drifting, the brine, her eyes, the something in those eyes, represent?
Sometimes those symbols remain known only to the writer.
In any case, the poem does very effectively convey the moment very poignantly and brought me in as a reader with the skilled use of vivid imagery.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
suggestion
She planned a response but....
It goes very well with:
She would speak to you now....
I love the extended metaphors you used in this piece. It really allowed me, as the reader, to understand the plot of this poem. Please keep it up, I love this a lot!
Thank you:)
Hi, wordsandwishes! Nice poem you have here. Let's get into the review.
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It seems like you have set this "girl" into a place where she can't get her words out so it seems like she's drowning.
I like that line a lot even though brine is associated with....Food.
I'm sorryIs the "from" necessary? It could just be me.
The hyphen is very intentional and breaks the flow just the way you want it to. Niiice.
Did you mean "her"? Because your poem seems to focus on the girl.
Okay! I just really enjoyed the imagery of this poem relating to the salty sea, and how you took a simple scenario and remade it with a world of difference. The vocabulary you used in here was cool as well.
That's all from me - Keep it up!
-Manilla
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention.)
Thank you for the review:)
In reference to the last line you mentioned, "them" is referring to the words as if they had been passengers on the "broken ship of her mouth."
You're welcome
Hey, Little here for a review!
First off, I think it needs a better beginning. It sounds like it's a half finished poem, or one that was cut up. But I'm quite impressed by your flair for using words carefully and to good effect.
The idea is a little bit confusing, because it's uncertain if the narrator is speechless or the woman.
The third line from the bottom is... Off. The hiphon and all doesn't go with the rest of the poem. At least, that's what i feel.
I just LOVE the last two lines, they're really well phrased, and now I'm jealous!
The whole poem reminds me of Vikings (the television show) for some reason. You know, the starting theme song, etcetera.
So yeah, that's it! Like i said, I really like your skills as a poet, and i hope you keep it up!
Signing off,
LittleLee, coolest guy ever.
Thank you:)
*edits*