People

Hi wordsandwishes!

I found your poem, but next time can you please include a link with your request? It makes it a lot easier.

People,
in the streets
they hold out tins and cans
eyes pleading
and yet we walk on.

You do this throughout the poem, but you don’t need that comma. Your punctuation is a bit off as well. I’m not sure if you’ve done this for effect, but there doesn’t seem to be any effect and you have very noticeable line breaks which works much better. So I’d use punctuation and stick with the strong line breaks.

Punctuated:
People
in the streets.
They hold out tins and cans,
eyes pleading,
and yet we walk on.

People,
in their homes
pretend they don't exist
though guilty
but we do nothing.

I’m not sure what the message is here. “People in their homes pretend they don’t exist”—from the first stanza, I would think that you mean that we pretend people in their homes don’t exist, but the way this is worded, it sounds like people in homes pretend that “they” don’t exist, but without stating who the “they” are.

Soldiers,
solve conflicts
that could be prevented
with peace
but we send them.

This sounds like a good sentiment, but in actuality it’s not very practical. I’m in no way saying I think war is a good thing, but sometimes there are very few alternatives, and it’s not because war is a good thing, but because people suck at getting along.

Children
work as slaves
but we do not hear their pleas
because
we ignor them.

Typo/spelling. “Ignor” should be “ignore”.


---

Overall, I found this poem rather bland. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh! You’ve got a very strong message and it comes across very plainly with no ambiguity, it’s just that the message itself is old. The Rolling Stones, Edwin Starr, John Lennon—everyone has condemned war and humanity at one point or another, and you’re not bringing in anything new or revolutionary, just returning to old themes from the 60s and 70s.

I think you could improve on the originality by focusing more on the theme of the first few stanzas—the problems at home where we ignore our neighbours and pensioners. Everyone gives to charities overseas or joins rallies to stop wars, but little attention is given to the problems at home, like the rates of teenage pregnancy, old people freezing to death in their homes, housebound and invalids who sit in a chair all day with nothing to do, patients in hospital who never get any visitors. Go local rather than worldwide.

Craft-wise, although the line breaks are used effectively, I think you need a stronger rhythm to help make this poem memorable. Syllable counts and stresses could enhance the rhythm and pace so lines stick in the reader’s head. Whenever I think of good poetry, I rarely remember whole poems; I just remember snippets, bits and pieces that stuck in my head because they had a strong rhythm. Words that roll off the tongue like a song.


[quote=”Shelley”]My name is Ozimandyas, king of kings
Look on my works ye mighty and despair.[/quote]

[quote=”Rossetti”]We must not look at goblin-men
We must not buy their fruits
Who knows upon what soil they fed
Their hungry thirsty roots?[/quote]

[quote=”Thomas”]Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light[/quote]

[quote=”Byron”]She walks in beauty like the night
Of starry skies and cloudless climes[/quote]


These are lines of poetry that have stuck with me, maybe not verbatim, but the general gist. It’s the rhythm of these poems that makes them memorable, so even if you don’t remember whole lines you remember the beat. Right now you don’t have that. If you read it out loud you’ll see that it’s irregular, there’s no groove to get into. It’s the groove, the rhythm that people will remember.

PM or Wall me if you have any questions or if I was unclear on anything!

-twit