Fallopian seams trace vas deferens dreams
through latex whispers and clammy thrust screams;
A coat hanger prelude to this Misoprostol sigh
begs hormone comforts: ‘Live’ essence must die.
Knitting needles mimic if but to reflect
On sweating gland’s questions that you deflect
To Choleric tunes and the Indigo X,
who with pregnant Truths, seeks to vex.
The real miracle’s inside sweet Progestin pills,
And the heavenly face of silphium thrills.
An Abortifacient serves as a memento mori;
A kindly reminder that baby must die
Sing to the hearse at birth canal’s mouth
A tummy tuck trauma to beat the fiend out
a Premature end or an ignorant bliss?
No…
Just a case of Euthanasia too crimson to miss.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Rather mad in its advertisment jingle kind of cadence - to put it in a musical sense. My first thought was that the end was weak. Such a bloody serious thing and ended with flip laissez-faire.
But it fit the jingle. As something sardonic, it's deft; throws off the mind and fades back in. I almost think it's too cleverly buoyant. It's too entertaining to be a narrative on abortion.
Those thoughts be as they may. For technicalitities, the final line of the first and second stanza seemed truncated.
Flip rhyme. I'd see "No..." stronger as "No." fullstop/period; or "No--" em-dash. The ellipses gives a hazy, fading impression; not fond of it there.
It was an engaging read, Whence. It makes you consider, for a while - if nothing else, its aim.
IMP
When read out loud, the line "On sweating gland’s questions that you deflect" sounds like it has too many words in it. I think most of this is in the " 's " of "gland's" but I have no suggestions
I thought the last stanza especially flowed well.
disturbing... but well done
I did some edits.
Thanks very, very, much for all the lovely crits.
(you really are too kind)
Yes, please don't start a debate -- this is not the place.
I, for one, enjoyed this in a wickedly morbid way. I agree with Jack when he said the rhythm was off in S2 (especially in the second and fourth lines). Otherwise it's worded and stylized to perfection. Thanks for the read.
Until next time,
Skye
Ah... Don't get me started on debates about abortion...
As for the poem, there's a good use of vocabulary, though perhaps a little too good. Some writers will look at the first few lines and go off on a search for a poem they can understand better... Anyway, the imagery is nice, very dark and disturbing and the rhyme works really well so keep up the good work.
Jack picked out my only nitpick. This is a really gorgeous poem, whence, in your typical dark and dense style--other than S2, it's perfect. You're quickly becoming my favorite poet on this site, Ed!
S2, if you read out loud, doesn't work well within in the rhyme scheme. The rhythm has gone totally and it's actually quite hard to say. I think that needs fixing. I think the general problem for me was the squashing of too many syllables in to the lines, it's very hard to read this and allow it flow. If you can find those strange parts and fix them, I think you could be left with something much stronger. The last stanza is great. But, yeah, uh, nice images.
O_o
Very special... and disturbing.
O_O
uhh......I dont know what to say. Very dark. Makes you think twice about abortion.
I like it