EDIT: sorry about that, it's back now.
Love Is Blue
and-I-fell-in-
.....with gasping breaths and crucifix arms thrown wide.
Sodden clothes as magnets
to a sea bed I'm just dying to sink in to.
Show me a sandcastle underwater
and I'll show you tides from the dark side of the moon.
Endorphins released in rising bubbles;
your bobbers for my fishhooked smile.
'Chocolate masquerades in Love and Charades',
said reproachfully, with a Ghirardelli square
floating up into your watery mouth.
Asphyxiation? More than a fling;
I'm drowning here, if only in dreams.
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140,579 Literary Works • 673,526 Reviews
your writing is wonderful (:
i like it alot.
and i enjoyed reading this piece.
my favorite part was :
Asphyxiation? More than a fling;
I'm drowning here, if only in dreams.
i enjoy your pieces.
Ah! Thanks Zee, I've no idea why, but the spacing was awful. Fixed it now!
Chills, Ed, chills! Oh, I've read this before, haven't I? I know I have, but still. I'm seeing it as something new entirely. I love it. Chills!
But: what is with the bizarre spacing?
I love the visuals as "fishhooked smile"
You're a freaking genius. Write something new and amazing and get published, please.
This don't really make sense to me. What is the meaning/message behind this? Try to change words around and put some rthyem into it. I hope this helps.
-Rick.
I didn't understand the beginning at first.
But then I understood.
Some areas are a little difficult to understand
Use simpler words at time.... I hope.
Overall, not bad but not great
My apologies for removing this, it's back in now. And thanks again to everyone who gave such lovely feedback!
I wasn't originally going to review this because I'd have absolutely nothing to say, but the lines kept ringing through my head on my way back from school, so...
Anyways. I don't think you should change anything. This is a truly amazing poem and I love it.
I love the crucifix image. It fits - I thought of sacrifice and religion, and that lead me to think of sacrifice for love etc. Very original; I love it.
The dark side of the moon may be a bit of cliched imagery, I don't think you should get rid of it. I love it; it creates a very pleasing image in my head. ^_^
I am simply ecstatic about that line. It's complex in a kind of powerful, enigmatic way.
Overall, this is one of the best poems I've read. I've read your other poetry, or some of it, and you have a very original, enigmatic style. I love it.
The idea of love and drowning is awesome, and even though I'm only 12, I can relate. Great job on this piece!
Cheers,
Camille
Yes, the connection is far from perfect, I know.
However, I likely will, (forgive me), keep it, as it is at least related, and I love the image.
As for the rest: I'll try to get an edit in some time. Keep in mind that the piece is mildly old, so I have ot refreshen myself to it.
Thanks again, everyone!
I still don't think that the crucifix reference holds, even after your explanation. Yes, Jesus was willing to give anything for those he loved. Here, it seems like the subject would give anything for those he loved because it ultimately benefited him. Endorphins, fishhooked smile, chocolate all seem like self-indulgences, rather than for the other person. Seems more like lustful, physical love rather than spiritual love, and there, I see the connection breaking.
[p.s.: Ghirardelli is an amazing chocolate company]
This is good- the continuous falling in love/drowning metaphor is really effective, and you have some great imagery.
I second Amelia on the first line, very intriguing.
[quote]with gasping breaths and crucifix arms thrown wide. [/quote]
Good imagery. I really like "crucifix arms" visually, though I suppose it doesn't really relate content-wise. Hm.
[quote]Show me a sandcastle underwater
and I'll show you tides from the dark side of the moon. [/quote]
Again, I agree with Amelia- these lines seem a bit disjointed and random. Also, "dark side of the moon" is pretty cliched.
[quote]Endorphins released in rising bubbles;
your bobbers for my fishhooked smile. [/quote]
Awesome lines, really striking.
[quote]'Chocolate masquerades in Love and Charades',
said reproachfully, with a Ghirardelli square
floating up into your watery mouth.[/quote]
I think this is the weakest part of th poem. Actually,I like it on it's own; it's interesting and vivid. However, it seems totally random and rather pointless with the rest of the poem. You have all these water related metaphors and connatations, and then suddenly you're talking about chocolate. It's very abrupt and disrupts the flow of the poem.
Over all, though, this is very well-done. Keep writing! ^_^
the crucifix reference is because Jesus was willing to give anything for those he loved. This poem is essentially an extension of that idea--that the narrator just wishes for a chance to prove him/herself worthy by "drowning", if only it means he/she can reach the loved one / love itself.
Oh, and Ghirardelli is a chocolate company. A most excellent one, if I may force my opinions upon you
Thanks muchly for the warm words and feedback!
Once again I'm very impressed. I love your work. You've got a lot of talent.
I really like the layout.
'and-I-fell-in-
......with gasping breaths'
This is a good idea and quite origional.
I have to agree that i don't quite understand the crucifix. I think of religion or sacrifice, but neither of these seem to fit.
Also, what's 'a Ghirardelli square'?
Keep up the good work. Kudos.
I like the first line, how it's staggered so it seems like you are taking a gasping breath before you go underwater. But why crucifix arms? I mean, I see the image, yes, but why is it significant?
Similarly, the sandcastle/dark side of the moon. Nice images, but how do they relate to what's around them? It goes from being ~dragged underwater to exchanging the impossible for the impossible.
The last two lines sounded cool because they were more vernacular (the "I'm drowning here" construction) but still with the feel of the rest of the poem ("Asphyxiation? More than a fling"). Which is part of why I like reading what you write.