Of Pigments And Protons
The light caged in your eyes
is released, spun of glass and
liquid in shape.
Its texture is ethereal
and it tastes of Argon.
As Noble gases react (clash, collide);
you cry Magentas and bleed of Cyan.
Sum up this nonmetal attraction,
An entrepreneur of Entropic ends.
You have a mastery of
this savage wonder,
as cold and perfect as starlight;
and I drink it, breathe it, bleed it, with every blink.
Sphygmomanometer got your tongue?
The mercury clung,
elastic film holding it together,
in the moment before it unhooked
from the apex of my tongue.
As it glided, the distortions
of Silver made me see the world
not as it is but as it could be.
And in that chilled, trudging
moment, every grey glimmer
became divine in its own right:
The perfect semblance of
Black and White; Yin and Yang,
bound and blended in liquid form.
It was no longer a color,
but all Color. Ultras and Infras both
clasp spectral hands;
an electromagnetic waltz
to the tune of your atomic number,
holding all hope; all hate
in its prism
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140,579 Literary Works • 673,526 Reviews
Alright, Edited and updated with B's old-but-not-forgotten suggestions!
EDIT: Added a line
dear god..you actually went back to those, B?
Remind me to remind you how awesome you are
mwahahaha! I remember the originals of this. Be afraid.
All my original picky crits of this from NaPo still stand -- Yes, I have both threads open. They do go remarkably well together and work excellently as one poem -- and I like the bridge between them, it made me want to laugh. usually there's one instance in most of your poems that makes me chuckle a little.
I think that there could be a stronger link between the savagery/Pain/starlight of the first stanza and the all Color/divine/balance of the third. The ending you have now wraps it up better than the original but I think you could toy with the ending more to strengthen that link.
I'm just going to try it with spacing to see how it looks.
I really did like this! The lines were very creative and punctuation was really good. The ending was a little different than I expected it to be. Not in a bad way or anything but with the words and voice you were using in the beginning I didn't expect the sort of moral you ended with. *picky* Great job on this.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Hmm, I didn't read it the first time around, so I can't say as to whether it's improved or not.
*love it* Random thoughts: I don't know if I like the "and" because it makes me think of a crumbly list rather than liquid imagery. But I think it would seem a bit bare without the word.
Haha, I like.
The tense change made me wonder for a moment. Did you mean for it to happen?
I think that the connection between the first and last stanzas is blurry. Or maybe I just need glasses?
lovely image, as are the rest.
Oh. It was beautiful ^_^
Quite frankly: I'm not entirely sure what it is about. In the third stanza, I understood more. But I still don't understand it much. I'll come back and read it tomorrow, and then I might understand more. You said you wanted punctuation help, as well? Also tomorrow.
But the imagery was brilliant, and it flowed in the most luscious way.
These lines are brilliant. The first two seem to flow really well and then that rhythm is disrupted a touch by the other two but their content more than makes up for that. I love how you've switched the colours so that the tears are the pink/red shade and the blood is blue.
Your use of plosives is effective here but I think this is too obvious and over-used to fit with the rest of your poem.
I like these lines but I'd make a few changed to your structure and I'd second fand on capitalising the 'you.' Perhaps it would flow better as -
You have a mastery
of this savage wonder,
as cold and perfect as starlight.
And I drink it, breath it, bleed it
with every blink.
I didn't particularly like this line. It wasn't having to look up the word that bothered me, it was trying to pronounce it. I know that you probably intended it to be difficult to pronounce but it distracted me from the poem so that I had to start reading again...
I'm glad that you expanded upon the 'black and white' image to include yin and yang. This is all really visual but you switch tense here and then later switch back. Try to stay in present - 'are bound and blended in liquid form.'
Perhaps change the first line to 'It is no longer a color' and the punctuation of the third line needs to be stronger than a comma. A semi colon might work...
I'm not sure about the ending. I don't like the parts in brackets and the punctuation is strange - I wouldn't use a full stop after hope. The prism is a good image though so stick with that and hope and hate fit well but all highs? Was that for the sake of alliteration or is there a stronger reason behind it? It just seems weaker than the other two.
Hope I've been of some help here. In general, this is brilliant and very close to perfect so congratulations.
Fand, I can't thank you enough for that wonderfully indepth critique, I've re-written it... I'm especially curious to see opinions on the new ending. I haven't decided whether or not I like it yet. (ellipsis alert!)
Hullo, whence! I'd like to preface this by saying that it's great to see our new members from TW posting over here, too. ^_^ New blood is always a good thing! Now, on to the critique.
(1.1-1.3)
Gorgeous. The imagery and wording is perfect. The only thing I question is the line break between 1.2 and 1.3; it's a small matter, but I think it would flow better if the "and" were transferred to the third line, creating a stanza of 6-6-5 (in syllables), versus 6-7-4, which feels a bit unbalanced.
(1.4-1.7)
It's = its, yes? Also, I question the capitalization of "ethereal" here, since it appears that elsewhere in the poem you're capitalizing nouns, while "ethereal" is an adjective. I guess I just don't understand why you'd emphasize that. If you'd capitalized "texture" I might get it, but as it is, it feels arbitrary. Also, line 1.6 is set as a separate sentence, but not only is it a fragment, it also feels too brief; it throws off the rhythm.
A question about 1.7. Is there a significance to transposing the colors of the tears and blood? If there isn't, and it's only a gimmick (perhaps I'm not reading far enough into it), I'd take it out; it strikes me as a little bit of an amateurish trick, though as I've said, that could very well just be because I don't quite understand the reasoning behind it, lol.
(1.8-1.12)
I like the first question. It's not an incredibly original concept, but it's presented quite well. ^_^ Line 1.10 should start with a capital, no? I like the somewhat scattered brand of alliteration here, too. The "b" is just hard enough to add emphasis, but still soft enough not to give it too much edge.
(2.1)
(3.1-3.4)
You've got a few grammatical boo-boos here. The way I've read it (I'm relatively certain it's how you intend it to be read, given the patterns), there should be a comma at the ends of both 3.1 and 3.2, separating 3.2 from 3.1 and its continuation, 3.3. Also, "it's" at the beginning of 3.2 should be "its." Other than those problems, I find these images intriguing. ^_^
(3.5-3.7)
Love it. Again, a comparison between lingual representation and, in this instance, perception. Absolute perfection, these three lines.
(3.8-3.14)
Again, you capitalize an adjective; it really doesn't work here, even less than with "ethereal" in 1.4. If you take my advice on only one thing in this poem, I hope it's correcting that capitalization. 3.14 (pi!): double period. Delete one of 'em. If it's meant to be an ellipsis... please don't. Ellipses in poetry are almost always a sure sign of an immature style (while there are obvious exceptions, you've noted, I'm sure, that many n00bish writers stuff their poetry full of ellipses). I'd suggest just a comma at the end. It adds a bluntness; takes away the air of mystical revelation and adds an interested, personal feeling.
(3.15-3.20)
I'm actually not incredibly fond of the images in 3.15-3.19 (excluding the first part of 3.15 and the last two words of 3.19). It could very well be a personal thing, but I think it's the weakest part of this poem. The last image, though, of hate in its prism--gorgeous. I love it.
Hope this helped in some small bit. ^_^
The imagery was ver good. I think the mixing of sicene and color needs just a little work to flow better. And that "Spyygmomanometer got your tongue?" line really breaks the otherwise excellent rythm.
Sorry I have little useful to say, but I really like this, your imagery is excellent. Nothing strikes me as needing to be changed. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing.
I think out of the poems I have read by you, that this is by far my favourite.
Its very descriptive without it being to exessive, I really enjoyed it well done!
Meevs
x
Good description in this poem! I really liked this! Good job and keep it up!