Tell me, where's the Rhyme Minister
to this: Your Royal Tragedy?
in some pockmarked alleyway,
swapping lies with the pot puffing poets.
a new policy,
penned of acrid smoke and empty hope,
is in effect.
'the King's feet are never to touch ground (we wouldn't want god getting any ideas, would we?).'
and the serfs are breaking
their sinew spines,
praying to empty skies
and holy lies
for the king to fall.
So just give it up
my fighting friends.
no shit hole soul
could put together
this humpty dumpty fucker again.
the fields are burning
but slaves are learning;
infants choke and cry,
but time can tell you anything you wanna hear
if you just let the illness in.
maybe there's some power
in oppression after all.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
O.O Rather angry. This felt too much like a personal rant than poetry, and the imagery, while typically vibrant, was too scattered and haphazard for my tastes. I did, however, really like those last two lines: Perhaps there's some power / in oppression after all. Now that is a good close!
I didn't understand all of the parts, mostly the end, but the beginning was very nice and descriptive. The only part that I REALLY didn't get was:
the fields are burning
but slaves are learning;
infants choke and cry,
but time can tell you anything you wanna hear
if you just let the illness in.
**I didn't see how infants were relevant. Lol, Other than that I thought it was good.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Hmm, a little angry about something?
I really wish you'd capitalized God in the single line following the first stanza. Or make it plural.
After a while, capital letters just kinda flew away, even when beginning a new ~sentence. I thought the first stanza was well done, but things seemed to fall apart after that.
S3 works best, rhythmically, but it also seems like it's the most successful, typically Hypo stanza. The first stanza works too, though it is more abstract than he usually gets - so clearly I can tell you wrote it - and I was expecting something very Timothy Leery to come after the first stanza and it never came. [this may be my fault as much as yours]
stiil, a good job with the emulation. It's hard.
Huh. Well, perhaps because I dont know Hypocrit but most of this was lost on me. It sounded (in my mind) very rant-ish and it was difficult to get the rhythm.
I liked the first stanza; effective and aggressive. The rest kind of lost my interest. The ending would have had more power if the other verses had made more sense (lol) and that one line does stick out a bit.
Basically? I agree with Armadian. It's a bit disorganized. If it were perhaps a little smoother and more coherent it would have a lot more impact.
Cheers,
~bubbles
This poem seems mixed up and not very organized. I can't really get a rhythm to this so its kinda hard to read.
I consider organizing your lines into more acurate stanzas and capitalizing somethings.
OH! The one line
Seems really out of place so I would some how incorparate that into the poem.
Keep writing!