Whispered Words to Smother The eNd From Goodnight

the part with "to love to make" in the third line just kind of hangs there, unresolved. Is there more that should come after it? I like the "truth" at the end of this stanza in parentheses. It seems very... final.

"Sponge blot pupils as black holes…" This seems like it should be a similie, but there's nothing stated in __ as ___ as ___ form. Maybe it would be better as a metaphor, without the "as"?

Alpha/Omega, Isis/Osiris, nice.

I wonder about this line: "They’re all the fucking same." I read it and thought that "all the" should switch with "fucking" to keep the phrase together, but upon re-reading, it doesn't stand out as much.

I liked the (Truth) at the end too.

You capitalize the first letters of every line in all stanzas but one. Was this on purpose? Consistancy is nice, either way.

Content wise, my understanding bleeps in and out; I might have to be the one to officially state that I'm "politely confused" ^_^

wow...that was really great!...i don't actually know what to say to that really...i think i'm still speechless! but no, really.
Kitty15, is once again right...it flowed great together, and all that emotion just pours out. it is a bit sad, that emotion, but i liked it.
muy bien!
me encanta mucha!
---Lora

“I did it all for you, to slip past Death the Lie
I sung it all for you, to watch the stone tears cry
I lived it all for you, and forgot to love to make
I’d have lost it all for you, but that’s an ache you just can’t take,” (Truth). The rhythm and rhyme here are very good. The last line at a first glance seems a little too long but when you read it, the internal rhyme cancels that out. I don't know if this was intentional but it's very clever.

Your gaze is an axis.
Sponge blot pupils as black holes…
Keep it all in sight. This part is a little confusing but the imagery is quite nice. I think you should add an extra syllable to the last line though so that the count matches that of the first.

Alpha and Omega embrace the space
Between
Isis and Osiris both breathe to make
You queen. Again the rhyme and rhythm have been used well here.

Gravity’s your sling, so launch
This out and up.
After 'All' is just a pebble, if your I know you've put it in italics which helps a little but it's still confusing having after and all next to each other. Perhaps use then all or for all. That also reduces the syllables which is good because the long line takes away from the flow of the stanza.
Heart beats hard enough.

The crook of your arm.
Sweating out zero absolute…
Fold in flower’s form.

Pretending for pretenses' sake I love this line and the next too I suppose.
that you don't know how to care
wading in Yes' wake
take it all, it's only fair Good rhythm in this stanza and a very good point made.

For and More rush to hush the other’s
Ill-begotten Truth
Live and Die are just mistakes This through me off a little. Why live and die rather than life and death?
Forgotten from your youth.

Exhale helium in this
Cataclysmic game
Blink to your asylum
They’re all the fucking same. A very emotional verse here and that's a good thing.

“I need it all from you, to teach birth to begin
I lost it all from you, the innocence in sin
It was worth it all from you, to learn to never mend
I loved it (all from you), even though I pulse The End,” (Truth). The ending is brilliant and overall this poem is really good so well done!

This was really powerful and it made me sad. But I like sad things
The lines and words flowed together well and the pace of it seemed just right for the subject. I can't think of any way you could make it better, it was very good.

~Twinflower

Not sure what you mean....

So I'll go for politely confused, mmk?

I would probably cry if the room weren't full of people and Yemz wasn't reading this

Firestarter wrote:*edited to be rated R, in accordance with the rules*

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I All stories and poems must be rated accordingly. If they have vulgar language, please rate them as 'R.'

Since this is rule 1, I'm going to assume you didn't actually read them ... click on About in the top right corner, and select Rules & Guides in the drop down menu and please absorb said guidelines. Thanks.

I've read this one before, but I really like it eds, I really like the (Truth) I donno if it's needed on the last one? You more or less have your reasons for it though.
like you're writing stye, now to find and steal your soul

*edited to be rated R, in accordance with the rules*

Please see here for further details:

I All stories and poems must be rated accordingly. If they have vulgar language, please rate them as 'R.'

I liked your poem a lot. You described the things very well! I got what you were trying to say very well