Penetrate.
My plasticine nose tip
deep through this once-white carpet;
drilling into that woven-fiber wall, which
oh-so-pretentiously shields my lungs
from the CO2 when Earth exhales.
Absorbing (absolving?) nasally
the compressed material between
the bubblegum billows, a planet’s
Lung, and I.
Let the musty stains ferment
in my cracked and peeling throat;
molded shampoo left unsucked from
a cleaning long past.
No matter, my nostrils will do
sucking enough.
I’m immersed in the floorboards up to my hips.
The tunnel-edges are growing cooler,
it’s funny, that you all think of Deep as warm;
stifling with it’s bustling atoms.
But the truth of the matter is much
slower, almost the point of encumbrance
have these mass-specks paused…
The whirling of our great sphere
loses it’s grip in this middle place.
I’ve passed the Devil on my way. His power is one
of steel and stance, and I don’t much care for it.
With the saliva held under my tongue solidifying,
I’m at the pointed-pocket I seek. No greetings pass
between myself and Fortinbrass; after all, my mission
Is hardly the cordial kind.
The beast Brass settles himself into his fate,
it’s just roomy enough to encompass us both.
My knuckles scrape off the wicker bones caught between
his teeth, and my wrist bends with the contour of his
furry esophagus. So it’s lazily that I finger apart his innards,
dissecting all that the greats held dear.
A fingernail flick, and the Coliseum goes down.
Wrist twist: Paradise Lost is suddenly a much more fitting title.
An echoed call, Luci...time for dinner….
reverberates down to my succulent cell.
The forgotten lining of a bedroom door’s end
had betrayed me and spilled the light of an inside-out world.
In reverse I’m drawn upwards and out, my stammer of dissent
(“Carpe Diem, Carpet Demon!”),
made of roman bricks and candlesticks, rains down to
rebuild the world.
Now sitting on a hardwood chair,
Goodness! What’ve you gotten under those nails?
a glance down and a smile admit to my glee:
a lone pebble is lodged in my glorious cuticle grime.
I rush to the bathroom and flush.
(“At-last-missed, At-lan-tis”)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,579 Literary Works • 673,526 Reviews
:grr: ambiguity. No, I like, actually.
Yes it did, somewhat.
The first time around, I though that the world was literally inside out; like the kid went through the center of the earth and came up again into his/her inverted bedroom where Luci was talking with the dog and ended up in its stomach? Oh dear, I was confused. But today it's making a bit more sense, for some reason. Phew. Now that that's all sorted out! Though I am still confused as to why Luci seems to be dismembering poor Fort?
I don't know. It's one of those things that I think I understand one minute, then the next I don't. Like I understand that Luci can manipulate things inside Fortinbrass like the Coliseum and such, but I don't understand why or how they're inside Fortinbrass to begin with.
*sigh* So yes, my original question has been answered; I've just come up with some new ones
Yoi, as always I struggle to comprehend what exactly you are saying. I liked S3, I can say that. Not sure why, but I do.
Otherwise, I can't say a whole lot. I can guess at what is happening, but very vaguely, and I see no action. Your over abstract and wordy ways make any possible action (which is needed for a narrative poem) stifled and stop all together. But it's your style, which I can't disrupt. You just need to work your style into a way that is more, ah, understandable?
Of course, my brain doesn't like things abstract, it's too lazy to think about things deeper than itself. Best of luck ^_~
Yes, I totally stole the name from WiT, and yes, it's supposed to be dog-ish. No, it isn't meant to be the devil... In fact, when something_euclidean asked I responded
Did that clear anything up? xP
As for Luci, I purposefully left that open. Reader's choice
bubblegum seems too cutesy a word for this line.
same with shampoo. It's like you're sounding all forboding and knowledgable, then it's like you're in a supermarket.
I like "you all" in this line.
At the third stanza, the style seems to change.
nice, albeit odd, image.
I like the way this is told in general. Like it's in slow motion. The general storyline, however, I was lost. Everything between Fortinbrass and inside out escapes me. I was sure something was inside out (obviously) but I wasn't sure what (his house? him? the earth? Fortinbrass?). But I do like your use of language. And I liked how you put things that were said in italics instead of quotation marks.
By the way; I thought Fortinbrass was a dog (like from A Wrinkle in Time). But then I wasn't sure if it was another word for the devil?
random question: is the name "Luci" a male or female name? Like is it "Lou-chee" like it might be pronounced in Italian or is it an alternate spelling of Lucy?