Young Writers Society

I like the rhythm of the poem and the couplet you have on the second and fourth lines, when I was reading over it put emphasis on the ending. It was really enjoyable to read because of that.

Sometimes I had to reread lines because I got a bit lost.

"Is your side clear?"
said brightly towards my door.

The "said brightly" threw me when I first read it, it came a bit out of the blue and didn't seem to run on from the other lines as well.

The description you used was powerful, even if I didn't get some of it. I especially liked the:

Don't pretend to protect
pruned lungs you invoke.

Anyway I did think it was really good, I thought that the rhyme was really effective.

Yeah... I'm overall not happy with this piece. But how exactly would I implement it in a story? You mean as part of a story, by getting rid of the rhyme scheme? Or as a weird song or something?

hmm...I think you could have added more emotion. I think it would be MUCH better as part of a short story.

Ok, thanks for all the feedback from everyone! It's been most helpful

And thus I present the revamped, re-scribed version. [edited in first post].

I think that the flow worked better towards the end of the poem, some of it at the beginning sounded a little forced. Other than that I liked this, but I don't think it really evoked any emotions, or is perticulary memorable...hmm this was a pretty useless crit! I apologise!

Meevs
x

Hm,..it was interesting. Not one of my faves. I echo everyone else, punctuation! Well, that's about it.

-- M.B.Author

Hello whence! I liked the poem just that you need punctuation. ok well that's it. good job! Keep it up!

Lol. It seemed perfectly sensible, even considering the time.

I shall do a decent edit sometime tomorrow, but for now; goodnight.

(WARNING: I'm really tired so...this might be bad >_<)

I think it could have had more feeling to it, I didn't feel anything and a goal of poetry should be to make your reader feel. I did like the idea though, but I think it just wasn't enough...I mean it was unique but it didn't do anything for me, you know? Decently try to make me feel something.

Remember: punctuation! It is poetries best friend! And I will critique every one of your poems and give you this link until you punctuate! Poetry & Punctuation

Try thinking of what you are trying to present to your reader. An upset teen because their mom is a drunk? Find a way to make them feel that way.

Sorry that was rambly...