Lip ends curl in feint-wrought joy
I'll feed you through this plasticized ploy
Eat this, Wicker Man bright
the gleam of your ribs pleases the night
Surely you can't breathe when you say
'Walking alone is the lime epic's way'
No... in poor taste must you jest
as I lace their porridge with only the best
mucus membrane from dark-dank throats
of fret little boys and soggy shagged goats
fat lining peeled from pale paltry skin
taken on my whithering whim
it ferments in the onwatching sun
salad solutions before I'll be done
As the acids dissolve the muscular wraith
the bloody pink splinters will follow its wake
I'll curl lip ends merely in hope
that it might rage the juices, and thus provoke
stomaches as washclothes, now time to wring
Seeped through grime fingers as alkaline sings
swallow your tongue, you silly little girl
pink seizure greens to blend and to hurl
But the acidic red soup should nicely whet
the young wench's appetite, so yet
I'll feed her the under-skin lard
tooth plaque slime and crushed nose hard
I'll wash it all down with a soft final touch
of little boy's death wish and eye socket mush
The scintillating scent of saving their souls
ladled drowned chunks in pewter-cast bowls
Innocents only remain so
if ignorance is all they know
After all it goes to maggots in the end
to save your soul, bodies dispend
Call me breaker, name me sweet
and I'll give your heart a reason to beat
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Usually this type of rhyme scheme bothers me by the fifth or sixth line, but here, I liked it.
In this stanza:
"swallow your tongue, you silly little girl
pink seizure greens to blend and to hurl"
the phrase "little girl" seemed like too many words. Maybe just "silly girl"?
I liked the rhythem in this stanza:
"I'll wash it all down with a soft final touch
of little boy's death wish and eye socket mush"
This stanza seemed a little too short in comparison with what's around it:
"Innocents only remain so
if ignorance is all they know"
But alone, I like it ^_^
This stanza was a little awkward in terms of beats within it:
"After all it goes to maggots in the end
to save your soul, bodies dispend"
The end of the first line, "in the end" seems... too long/too many words, like too much time would be spent to say it aloud and would make the following line awkward.
This stanza:
"Call me breaker, name me sweet
and I'll give your heart a reason to beat"
Love it.
The only other thing I can comment on is to say that there seems to be some random capitalization at times, not always following a period or the end of an idea, so maybe look at that again.
I like it, I like it, and I still like the title ^_^
I have to say, whence, you've got to be one of my favorite poets on this site. You have a very unique and clear style, and you've certainly got a talent for evoking emotion. I don't have time for too much of an indepth critique, but be sure I'll be keeping an eye out for your works.
Ha... I loved it. Very clever, and indeed very disturbing, as was your intent. Dark and twisted and kind of alluring in a perverse way; this poem, if I had to characterize it, would be a dirty, worn down whore with smeared makeup, beckoning lasciviously to a prospective customer.
...Yes, I do realize that makes no sense, but it's late and I'm tired, lol. Anyway, I loved this. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading!
I'm sorry I don't have time to read the whole thing, but I wanted to drop by and let you know that I love the title.
I loved the wording. It was very descriptive. I like the edited version is really good.
TG
It was interasting. It didn't do much for me though. It might have been to long maybe. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. This is the first time I read it, and didn't you say you rewrote it? I am guesing it is better. I have read someother posts of yours, and poems aren't your strong points. Don't give up.
-- M.B.Author
Edited and updtated!
Crits?