I trudge the sludge of finite life
whence ether was adorned;
with both fudge and grudge in sight of strife
hence never to ebb mourned...
...masses give and masses take
to cap off weight limits
I'd rather live and always brake
for hapless pedestrians...
...then slip the rip past oral spine
and loathe the breath of men.
To cheat myself of birch and pine;
on high borne refreshment...
Would be of sin the likewise same
that perfection is accused
or learn ambiguity's scotch name
fore weened off skein of youth.
So drink it high and smoke it down
It's all oil and flames in end
think it right whilst know it wrong
yet still [these] lies you've penned.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I did like this, I found it an interesting subject if difficult to grasp at times.
I agree with Claudette, the elipses were unneccessary. Use word choice to get across meaning rather than relying entirely on punctuation. I think some more stops, periods or commas, wouldnt go astray; they'd help your flow.
I think what obscures meaning and therefore how effective your poem is to the reader, is your word choice and sometimes awkward syntax. The 4th stanza is a good example of this.
Fix a few things up and make your purpose clearer and you'll have a nice effective piece here.
It was intended to be about the unavoidability of life; to contrast the oft used unavoidability of death. However, this was more me playnig around with phrasings then anything, and no deep intentions are in this.
I understand it seems rather pointless and ambiguos subjectwise, and honestly, it rather it. I was looking more for feedback on flow and wording, as that's what this was directed at. I wouldn't really even label it poem, more like 'Ed's having fun with rhyming schemes again'.
But still, I thank you for your crit and the time you put into it.
I have to admit that the majority of this does not make sense to me. Now whether this is because the way it is written or because I'm poor at understanding somethings, we'll leave that open.
What is the point of "these" being in brackets? Something like that should be more meaningful, as if it were, "Yet still these lies that you've [not] penned." That gives it two meanings. Taking out "These" because it is in brackets you are left with "Yet still lies you've penned" which doesn't entirely make sense.I think the use of ellipses (...) was unneeded as much as you used it.
I think you'd benefit from adding more punctuation. Commas, periods, and the like.
Though, like I said, the poem over all didn't make sense. You just kind of pushed a lot of words together and slapped the word "poem" on it. I can't even pick up what the subject is. Again, this could just be my own stupidity. If you believe it to be such, ignore my comments on how it makes no sense.