You’re hiding in my finger-folds.
So it’s longingly that I stroke this window pane,
(Spun of glass and marred by UVs and Usees)
How long before your air runs out?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,573 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
I get a mental picture of you inside a bus looking through a window at a loved one and the position of your fingers puts their face between two of your fingers. Your hand is stretched out, fingers apart, as if trying to reach that person but you meet the glass and stroke that instead. The glass, like the person, is imperfect, so you notice these imperfections. You're the person's air, how long an they last without you?
Awww...
Your welcome.
Zee>> Yes it is. Oh, and I believe 'omniscience' is the word you're looking for xD
Firestalker>> Yes, well... I tend to be ambiguous and abstract in my poems, but I can totally understand if that isn't your cup of tea. Thanks for the read
This does not make any sence improve and i will check it again.
Improvement to the max ^_^
Q! "Usees"? Is this a reference to omniscient... ness? or what ever. "All seeing."
Oh. Much Better.
ok, you might think it a cop-out, but I liked the content...it was just too ambiguous. Now, hopefully with the new title it'll be clearer.
Line by line thoughts:
I see this more as the representative of the spaces between one's fingers. Either a lover or a partner or a guide, somebody you would hold hands to. Finger-folds, also, as cadmium said, could be wrinkles. Which is age, memories, etc. Either that, or you just mean genetics.
In all three of those cases, they are close to you. You long for them, for those memories: you miss them. Windowpane - so are you outside looking in or inside looking out? I think this is a barrier between you two.
This is what I view as what keeps are apart. Marred UVs and Usees. Pretty.
Are they inside? Are they outside. Either way, they're running out of air. Open that window! This references back to you stroking the window pane. I would think that you would want to release them or replenish their air supply.
Either that, or they're trapped with you and you aren't giving them enough room to breathe.
Whether I took it wrong or not, this is how I saw it. It's good work, I can tell it's not nonsense. I'm not going to ask you to clarify (though I probably ought to), because I loathe that question. Clarity comes in time, clairty comes to the audience. There are too many hazy variables to work through to get your message through every time. It doesn't mean it's any less genius.
thank you all (Especially Colleen
) for the wonderful critiques. I'll get an edit out as soon as I can.
Okay I'm pissed. I was just writing a review of this and I was almost done and all of a sudden Internet Explorer jetted me off to the home page. Let's hope I can finish this time. *crosses fingers*
You’re hiding in my finger-folds.
I get the image of the subject in the little wrinkly parts on the backs of people's knuckles. It's a nice line, but I don't understand its significance.
So it’s longingly that I stroke this window pane,
...because the subject, apparently someone loved, is hiding? But why, if the speaker knows he/she is in the finger-folds?
(Spun of glass and marred by UVs and Usees)
Describing the window...but why? Something pure that is no longer so? A metaphor for the relationship between the speaker and the subject?
How long before your air runs out?
In the finger-folds? This makes it sound like the speaker has trapped this person on purpose or has some sort of malicious intent...is this why the subject is hiding?
Oh, I'm so confused. Use your sweet skills in a poem that's just a teensy less subtle, Ed.
-Colleen
hmmmmm....would like to know teh meaning of it.It surely does tell that it has a very unique meaning to it....but sorry can't figure it out....do tell me.
If this poem made sense it would be beautiful. What I mean is, the language is beautiful, if random, and the peculiar rhythm you've got going on is very attractive to me. Out of curiosity, what is it about? PM me?
I have to admit that this really doesn't make that much sense to me but so long as you understand it...
Honestly, I can't make any sense of it.
I think it should be something good, it does sound poetic but... I get confused by the first line, think of a beach in the second, and a bug trapped in a box third.
So, yes, I'm clueless.
Can't really say, "bravo" to something I don't understand. Sorry dear.