Young Writers Society

oh my gosh I absolutely adore this poem...

"off death-dates shunned." that line kind of messed up the flow...

Other than that, none of the lines really bothered me flow-wise.

I'm here to recritique! Yay!


So, I read the new version, most of it I liked. I read the old version for comparison. Stanza 1: I like the old version better. (And were you missing "The" before "confines" in the newest edit?)

Basically, that is all I have to say. I don't know what happened in my brain for me to get it, but reading the first stanza, I got it. Then I read it again. And I got the majority of the poem.

I'd say the only stanza I didn't get is 3, but I like it so =)


Sorry I can't say more? I enjoyed it this time over. Odd, isn't it?

Ok, this has been re-edited. Second half of S3, really.

ok, I'll do another edit when I get home [imma be leaving in a mo'], but I just thought I'd clear up some points.

Disambiguation time! *(I know a poem should never need to have a disambiguation tagged on, and I'm trying to work on my clarity [I abstract too much], but for this one piece, I think explaining could be helpful)*

The first stanza is all about the actual act of drinking.

those 2 lines...should be pretty self explanatory.

S3 is meant to start out with unnamed persons deciding on their beverage at a sort of bar-stand. The second part is supposed to help get that feel that this is a 'dance' of some sort.

S4--simple enough.

S5-- I'll only offer one bit here, and that's the second to last line.
"To expel the denim colonnade: " sounds pretty confusing after all, eh? Well, a colonnade is an orderly group of well...columns. This line is really meant to express that the Ball-goers are trying to get away from the orderly, day to day life. denim colonnade, thus meaning the organized, unchanging Blue jeans worn day after day.

S6-- I'll leave as open interpretation

Crack a cap,
to slip it back;
lubricated down I don't know what happened to the "the" but I think you do need it, here. For clarity and for rhythm. Unless you like the choppy, then leave it as is
confines of your throat.
Mobile weight
that liquidates,
membrane drought
born of larynx rote. I want that to say "rot" not "rote."

Shake it up and sip it down,
you can only sink as low as Ground I like the lack of article here, but you need more of a forced pause between the stanzas. Also, the "can" seems wordy, but you rather need it, don't you?

Summer muse
to pick and choose what if you put the first two lines as one line? It would fit better with the other stanzas, and I'm not sure enjambment is really effective in this stanza. Same goes for the following two lines, but the enjambment works a bit better, there.
the thickened glass
of seasons past;
don high heels,
skipping reels
projection front
of death-dates shunned.Ok, the last four lines I just don't like, and I can't really be more helpful than that...well, no, it's the first two of the second to last that I don't care for, the last two I like after reading them a few times, good break in the rhythm/rhyme there

Raise your hopes to black flag heights
Gravity's at dawn, enjoy your night.

Degeneration X: Clichéd ok, I love this. But. I think you need a stop after "cliched," or it doesn't work as well, but that's me
a simply simple? senile youth crusade.
Sophistication in the form of fling;
Bummer Ball in up-out swing.
Grab a hand for faux parade
committing Grand Theft Masquerade.
Shall we sing
for beauty King?
To expel the denim colonnade:
bottle binge and promenade. I loved the end, here. Love it

Shall we taste of fruit in loop or holes?
Self-title memories annulled?
I can't quite blink away-awake;
A simple shift I just can't shake.


I'm going to echo the other in that I'm not entirely sure what you wanted to take from this poem, but playing with the idea of "fallacies" makes it a fun read indeed.

I absolutely adore the Degeneration X stanza now. Admittedly it's still nt perfect but no piece of poetry ever is or a least not so that everyone in the world would agree. Anyway, a good re-write and well done with this piece.

I'm still having trouble, whence, but thanks for taking a stab at editing it...it's still awfully abstract, and I think the flow was better in the first version, although I like what you've done with the "Degeneration X" stanza.

I posted this separately because I'm not yet sold on the new version.


~~~~~~~~


Crack a cap,
to slip it back;
lubricated down
confines of your throat.
Mobile weight
that liquidates,
membrane drought
born of larynx rote.

Shake it up and sip it down,
you can only sink as low as Ground.

Summer muse
to pick and choose
the thickened glass
of seasons past;
cracked high heels
to help you feel
high-slash-stunned
off death-dates shunned.

Raise your hopes to black flag heights
Gravity's at dawn, enjoy your night.

Degeneration X: Clichéd
a simply senile youth crusade.
Sophistication in the form of fling;
Bummer Ball in up-out swing.
Grab a hand for faux parade
committing Grand Theft Masquerade.
Shall we sing
for beauty King?
To expel the denim colonnade:
bottle binge and promenade.

Shall we taste of fruit in loop or holes?
Self-title memories annulled?
I can't quite blink away-awake;
A simple shift I just can't shake.

Great poem. I really had no idea what you were talking about, so I made it up in my head.

Crack a cap,
to slip it back;
lubricated down
the confines of your throat. I'd just have "your throat", it seems to match the rhythm better.
Mobile weight
that liquidates,
membrane drought
born of larynx apathy. It flows better for me if you started a new line with "of", leaving "born" on its own.
Shake it up and sip it down,
you can only sink as low as Ground. Meh. "Ground" sounds... naff, almost.

Summer muse
to pick and choose
the thickened glass
of seasons past;
don high heels,
skipping reels The rhythm here would be better if you added a syllable, maybe "and", at the beginning of the line.
projection front
of death-dates shunned. Again, a line break in here works better for me, after "dates", with a comma at the end of the first half.

Raise your hopes to black flag heights
Gravity's at dawn, enjoy your night. Liked that bit.


Yep, enjoyed it very much. Although you're completely barmy...

Wow, I come back to see so many luverly comments

Yes, I have a general problem with making things too abstract, and I'll do an edit on this just as soon as I can. [Stupid father's day].

But thank you all for your time and most helpful critiques

I'll second Mesh and Clau in terms of the flow and rhythm problems here. I also fail to understand it. That said, I think you did a really great job with the sound and feeling of this poem. Though I have no idea what you're talking about, the mood you've created is so strong I can still get into it. The use of sound and rhythm (except in the places already mentioned by others) is really great, and it shows that you know what you're doing with poetry.
Of course, it would be lovely if we could all understand fully what you're trying to say. It would make this poem even more enjoyable.

-Colleen

Honestly, poetry is not my thing at all. This poem was amazing though, I probably can't break down the few flaws that there are but I really liked it alot! :]

I love the turn of phrases in this poem - "Grand Theft Masquerade" is a particular favourite. On the whole, it flows great and works really well.

However, I'd work on:

Degeneration X: At the welds
can't quite tell
senile from seen all
(Bummer Ball).

I actually liked it a lot as well. However, like Clau, I have no idea what the crap it's about. But, pretty much the few flaws I've seen have been since pointed out so I won't force you to read them again. I was impressed!

WM

Crack a cap,
to slip it back;
lubricated down
the confines of your throat. The flow starts off rather well but this line disrupts it. I think that it would work better if you removed a syllable. Perhaps the 'the' at the beginning but it's up to you.
Mobile weight
that liquidates,
membrane drought
born of larynx apathy. This second part flows pretty well.

Shake it up and sip it down,
you can only sink as low as Ground. Knock off two syllables and this would work better. How about 'you can't sink beyond the ground.'

Summer muse
to pick and choose
the thickened glass
of seasons past;
don high heels,
skipping reels
projection front
of death-dates shunned. The rhythm of this stanza is perfect but the lack of rhyme for the last two lines spoils it. I suggest you look back and see if you can change one of the lines so that it maintain the meaning but rhymes with the other.

Raise your hopes to black flag heights
Gravity's at dawn, enjoy your night. Ah. The same amount of syllables as the other so not so random. I don't see a way in which you could drop any syllables and the flow actually works here so maybe you should just ignore my earlier comment on 'shake it up...'

Degeneration X: At the welds
can't quite tell
senile from seen all
(Bummer Ball). The flow is really rough here.
Grab a hand for faux parade
committing Grand Theft Masquerade. I love these two lines. Very good.
Shall we sing
for beauty King?
To shake the denim dawn awake:
bottle binge and promenade. This would be better if you rhymed the last two lines. The irregular structure doesn't really fit with your words.

Shall we taste of fruit in loop or holes?
Self-title memories annulled?
I can't quite blink away-awake;
A simple shift I just can't shake. I like the ending but, as with the rest of the poem, it's a little confusing. There again, I'm sure it all means something for you and I was able to understand some of it so it's not a huge issue. Poetry is written to be interpreted in different ways after all. Altogether, a well written, enjoyable poem. Keep up the good work.

I liked it but.... I can only guess on what the subject might be.

Grab a hand for faux parade
committing Grand Theft Masquerade.
Shall we sing
for beauty King?
To shake the denim dawn awake:
bottle binge and promenade.

Mobile weight
that liquidates,
membrane drought
born of larynx apathy.

don high heels,
skipping reels
projection front
of death-dates shunned.

committing Grand Theft Masquerade.
Shall we sing
for beauty King?
To shake the denim dawn awake:
bottle binge and promenade.