Whetstone dance on dinner-knives
To receive my guests so wholly;
They should’ve heard, in my eyes
A pallid affair unholy.
Smacking lips, cracking hips
Percussions from the side.
Slacking grips, backing zips
Let your silverware slide.
A spill to stain the tablecloth
liquid memento mori
Spreading, bleeding, into broth
“A Da Vinci dinner,” says I.
Peeling flesh, reeling guests
Please, try to run and hide
Dealing thresh, stealing breath
Lap up the souls who died.
Shuddered gasp, a dreadful shame
Cadavers spoiled by a surprise,
this hungry host, can’t complain
Of these such pretty splintered thighs.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
The comma in the penultimate line is unnecessary. ^~
I really enjoyed this; it certainly is reminiscent of Clau's brand of ghoulish humor. ^^ Well done, Ed.
Cannibalism. oy, you and Claudette. ^_^
I particularly liked this stanza. The rhythym and internal rhymes were particularly cleverly done.
There is one major problem though. I didn't get the poem, until you explained it. In writing, esspecially poetry, the reader has to get, if not right away, by the end of the poem, your meaning.
Other then that, I thought that the poem was well written,a nd I liked it immensely.
-Pros
Bravo! The rhythm and rhyming were spectacular. I found the poem rather amusing in a disturbing way.
And though I find cannibalism (hope I spelled that right) to be a rather odd topic, it was very good!
The vocabulary used was great, too.
I liked it. The rhyming was great, and of course I can't help but to encourage:
Smacking lips, cracking hips
**That's my favorite part, of course. It gives the poem a big umph. And for the rhyme with mori and I, is mori actually pronounced More-I? Because that would work. Otherwise it messes with the flow, but just a little bit. Still a great word choice.
Great Job!
Keep at it!
~Rieda
so, so morbid...yet despite that, rather good.
Personally, I'd get rid of "these" in the very last line; I think it's unnecessary, but that's just me.
These lines seem... weird, mechanically:
"They should’ve heard, in my eyes
A pallid affair unholy."
I think that it sounds a little... bare... after the comma in the first line here, like the comma makes too long a pause. And to hear something in someone's eyes, I get the phrase you're using, but it just sounds a little off and I can't decide if I like it or not. Just the hearing through eyes... I don't know. I'm still thinking about that one.
HA! I get the title now! About the Donner party and all! Very, very clever. Since I'm Mormon too, I was looking for an insult or a misconception, but found none. I love it. You are a fantastic poet. Your style is very smooth, easy to read, ironic, subtle, grim, colorful, clever, dark (everything you want to hear). Keep up the fabulous work!
-Kylan
What's with all these cannibal poems? Was there a challenge I didn't know about? *laughs*
This was... pretty good, but some of the rhythms and rhymes were off, so it broke the poem for me. I do like "cracking hips," though, I thought that was clever. As is the last line, really. (I don't think I'll go to KFC for a while now...)
With a little revision, I'm sure it could be made even more clever and entertaining. For now, it doesn't do much for me.
oh yeah, as a note:
The title isn't meant to insult Mormons whatsoever. It's referring to the Donner party (as is the alternative title type thing)
Being a mormon myself, I found this poem unbelievably ironic. Well done
Unfortunately, my lack of knowledge about poetry leaves me with the inability to critique poems. Sorry.
I had a problem with some of the punctuation (S4, L2, period?) and sometimes the rhyming went weird (mori/I?) and the rhythm went off (I didn't count it though, it was more of an assumption). It was... interesting? I don't know.
Seeing as you told me what it was about, it ruined it for me xD I seemed bare of what it actually should have. Some of the lines were good, when in comparison with the subject, but otherwise it's like your usual poetry, much too abstract for my liking ^_^
The voice you used, though, I could imagine a total nut case. But it just didn't work for me, I suppose? probably because I only like a few lines. I don't know. I'm useless critiquing your poems, aren't I?
My cannibal poem beats your cannibal poem! *shove*
Your rhyme and repetition are pretty much accurate so well done there and I like the reference to Da Vinci, it fits in nicely. I like this poem because it makes more sense than some of your others and your vocabulary and word choice are brilliant. As for your grammar, I suggest a comma after eyes in the first stanza, one after tablecloth in the third and perhaps a full stop after hide in that fourth stanza? Also, there needs to be something after shame but I'm not sure what. A comma doesn't seem strong enough, a full stop too strong and a semi colon just doesn't seem to work. Just thought I'd point it out... But overall, a very good piece of writing.