I wrote this after church this morning. It hasn't had much work, but I am proud of it.
YWS has never been known for being easy to format, so I apologize for the lines.
I hope you enjoy!
Despite it all
Fear takes the place of
____________________________________Faith
Far more often than it should When Life seems too hard to live, how
_____________________________________Can
I be expected to praise God?
Circumstances overwhelm What should be a loving family. Lives wrecked, homes shattered,
When emotions take over and people
______________________________________Move
From where God has called them. I stand, shattered and broken, a top
______________________________________Mountains
Of fear and pain. How can God see me, When I can barely see myself. How can God love me When I forget to love him.
My life seems useless,
______________________________________Broken;
Blinded by the hardships that
_______________________________________I
Can’t seem to evade. I look around for he who made me, He who calls my name.
But I can’t see him from where I
_______________________________________Stand
Can he see me? I hope he can,
________________________________________For
I can’t take this anymore. A life is not worth living without hope.
A hope for a future,
A hope for forgiveness
A hope for salvation
A hope for
_________________________________________God.
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This was great! I love how throughout the poem, you go on about how you don't have enough faith and how you are worried you'll never be forgiven by God and yet on the side you have cleverly written "Faith can move mountain", which, by the way, is probably one of my favorite quotes, and "Broken I stand before God".
I really love how you put that message on the side, but if you could figure out a way to format it without having that distracting line right there, that would be great. Also, you should probably go through it one more time and tweak a few things just to make it flow more nicely. Don't forget to add in a few comma's and other punctuation you may have missed.
Once again, well done. Keep up the good work!
Hello wewinwelose! Just so you know you're my 100th review! Anyways moving swiftly on...Buzz here to review.
It's always good to see christian based poetry on here so I commend you for that. I liked the emotion and thought put throughout this poem, it actually read a bit like a Psalms prayer. I also liked the monologue you had with yourself as if you're literally writing your inner thoughts but responding to them yourself, which was interesting.
Alternatively, there is always room for improvement so I have some suggestions to make to you as sometimes the general flow/rhythm of the poem was interrupted. I was going to address the lines since they're kind of distracting but since it's due to your formatting I'll leave that out. When you do format it accordingly, you should put your poem into stanzas.
"Fear takes the place of
____________________________________Faith
Far more often than it should
When Life seems too hard to live, how"
You have some random capital letters mid-sentences so it gets a bit confusing to read as to when you've started a new line or in the same sentence.
"From where God has called them.
I stand, shattered and broken, a top
______________________________________Mountains
Of fear and pain."
Here, the second line, "a top" doesn't make sense, I think you meant, "on top" ?
"I can’t take this anymore.
A life is not worth living without hope.
A hope for a future,
A hope for forgiveness
A hope for salvation
A hope for
_________________________________________God."
I really liked your closing stanza but for the last line "A hope for God" seems a bit off to me perhaps its word choice but the way it's worded at the moment makes it appear like it's God relying on a hope in us, not the other way around.
Overall a very nice poem, Keep writing! I hope i was of help to you.
-Buzz
I do agree that stanzas are better. There was a time, long ago before the big shift about two years ago, when you could upload a literal document on YWS that would have to be opened by the reader. That was a wonderful time. However, viruses are jerks. Now formatting is impossible! I do have it formatted MUCH better on my computer. I tried about 7 different ways here before giving up
. You're right about the "a top" segment, it is supposed to say "atop" which is one word, not two. Sorry for the confusion there! I tend to accidentally hit the shift button while typing certain words, so I will go through it again to fix random capitalization. I very much like how the last line reads, though I respect that it sounds a bit funny if read the wrong way. I greatly appreciate your review! Thank you for taking the time to look over my piece.
No problem
Hello, I am Hsarver and I am here to review this wonderful piece. So to start, I am just going to point out that whenever you write "he" in reference to God, it should be capitalized. Moving on from that little error, the rest of the words spoke really well and left an impact. It really hit on a topic that a lot of people think about, and you did really good with it. Keep Writing!