Thank you all for your comments, they've been very uplifting and helpful!
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I haven't written in a long time, and as I've gotten older I've felt my muse sort of slipping away. This is one of the first pieces I've written in a long time and I wanted to share it.
A force from within me, Unrivaled and pure, Takes a deep breath as I open its doors. A mechanical feeling of both beauty and grace; From whence I draw passion, honor, and praise.
A part of me, unbeknownst to the world That can sing, that can dance, that knows how to twirl, Opens its eyes and looks to the sky For guidance, for comfort, to learn how to fly. For words are a vessel in which to achieve Destinations unsure, but destinations indeed. For the journey itself, by wings or by trek, Gives me hope that the end will be beautiful yet.
Hi there!
Usually, I don't like rhyming poetry, but I quite like this. It also has a pretty decent meter, and neither distract from the meaning of the poem, which is lovely and uplifting.
I think you really allow the poem to go somewhere without pushing it, and that's something that's nice to see. You start in the present, and look to the future, which you would think would be a logical choice, but lots of poets allow their poems to stagnate in the present, only focusing on the here and now rather than allowing time to move forward as it should.
You do tend to start lines with "for" a lot, and I would try to vary a little more how you start your lines.
Altogether, this is a nice little read, and really enjoyable. I can really feel the emotion shining through.
On your note:
If you're worried about your muse leaving you, make it come out. Write all the time. Force it out of yourself. You'll become familiar again with the words you used to wield like weapons, and you'll be able to put them together in new ways and better ways than before. Just like a warrior, poets must train to stay in shape.
I hope that you found this useful in some way! Happy YWSing!
As far as your muse is concerned, I believe you still have it.
You have an excellent use for half rhymes. You make the words fit with each other very well. However, the last stanza made me feel as if you quite rhyming, which I don't think was the case, but a better choice of words for trek or yet would make it better, and it will fix your rhyming format much better.
As I read this, I feel as if some words are out of date, but I could really care less because it makes it sound as if you're a mature poet writing this down. The description of the title word is also perfect. I just felt as if there could be more to write for this poem, but any other way, I don't think it matters. Whatever you think is enough for a poem is fine with me. That's what poetry is about, right?
Hi there!
I loveeee that second verse and that ending line. It all just fits somehow. I disagree with CreativelyWritten. It all flows well to me. The rhyme scheme is beautiful.
I have a small nitpick... if you want to put an author's note, I'd put it at the end. and then mark it differently in some way. It's just a pet peeve of mine I've developed over the years. Unless it's crucial to have it read first, put it at the end of the poem .
But seriously though. The second verse.
"A part of me, unbeknownst to the world
That can sing, that can dance, that knows how to twirl,
Opens its eyes and looks to the sky
For guidance, for comfort, to learn how to fly."
Keep Writing!
I really enjoyed this poem Hope is a beautiful concept that I don't think enough people necessarily believe in anymore. I really like the flow of the first verse and the rhyming scheme is good. I do think the flow gets a little off in the second verse but eh rhyming is hard sometimes so whatever
LOVED the last line: "Gives me hope that the end will be beautiful yet." Reminds me that usually the end result is worth the troubles.
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