I've just been diagnosed with allergies to 4 of the top 8 allergens, including shellfish, sesame, gluten, and wheat. After 1 day of not eating any allergens, this was produced. It was literally the worst day of work I've ever had, and yet the happiest I've ever been. I had to share. Years of depression, adhd, anxiety, panic, insomnia, and various neurological problems gone! I hope you enjoy: the first happy poem I've ever written.
To think it was so simple, to think I didn’t see.
The only thing that’s wrong is what was wrong with me.
The best day of my life was the worst I’d ever seen,
If I’d only known twenty years ago what I couldn’t eat.
As my joy erupts from within, as my sorrow fades
I see so clearly what life is for, I let go of my hate.
With my feet firmly on the ground, I will live this life.
I will smile, I will laugh, I’ll feel not the string of strife.
Though my life source has been taken, a new one I now see.
The only thing that was ever wrong was what was wrong with me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Wow! Really, nice, short, simple, heartwarming poem that inspired me! Good job. I'm glad you're overcoming your issues. Thumbs up to you!
. I loved the last line!
Although there are a few grammatical errors (Just a few, not enough to mess up the poem), I feel too lazy to point them out and suggest that you simply review the poem.
Once again, thumbs up to you! I hope you live a carefree, jolly life!
Keep it up.
Mist
Not that you want any critiques, but Cynder here. I have allergies, too. I *hate* them as well. Anyway, here's my o[pinion: I think this can be developed further still. I think you could show more rather than tell. The beginning and end are absolute perfection--don't touch them. The middle can be strengthened though. Instead of directly saying "eat" show it. Use imagery that both engages the reader more and foreshadows so that your ending is even more powerful. That's what is really lacking; your ideas just abruptly end. So add imagery in the middle and don't say directly, "what I couldn't eat," and then add a simple line at the end that connects all of your thoughts together. That will give you an ending and make your work just that much better. That said, I loved your poem. So you better keep writing.
I'd like to see more of your works, because I can learn from you. If that's okay... Anyway, that's all for my opinion. If you want specific suggestions just ask, but if you don't, then this will do just fine. Good job, friend.
~Cynder out.
Thanks! I'll look into seeing what I can do with imagery in the middle. I wrote this sort of in a desperate state and didn't give it much thought
Hey wenwinwelose, just read your poem! I really enjoyed this and will probably read some more of your writing. The flow in this poem is a little scratchy though and I urge you to be careful. The parts that I thought could use some help were stanza one. Its a little bit choppy and instead of saying,
"To think it was so simple, to think I didn't see," I would try to fit it together more. It's like taking a bite out of a sandwich instead of taking a huge piece and trying to fit it in try to take small pieces. Also stanza eight,
"I will smile, I will laugh, I'll feel not the string of strife," I would change the I'll to I will so it all matches and stands in agreement. Other then that, great job and keep writing!!
Awww. One of my sisters are allergic to all of those, including ALL milk products. She can't even eat a milk chocolate without paying badly for it. I hope all goes well for you because I see how hard it is for her. I could imagine it would be very hard for you too. <3
I.
Am.
Batman.
Heyo, xJ here for a review.
Firstly, I thought this poem was well written and had a pretty okay flow! Although I do realize this is the first happy poem you've ever written, and I should cut you some slack, a reviewers gotta review! So, let's take this line by line. I'm takin' my sweet time ^.^
Line 1: "To think it was so simple, to think I didn’t see." Good start, nice hook. Just the title itself drew my attention. And the fact that I needed points... Anyway.
Line 2: "The only thing that’s wrong is what was wrong with me." Alright, the first part of this line is in present tense, while the other part is in past tense. Work on that, bud. ^.^
Line 3: "The best day of my life was the worst I’d ever seen," This line was great! It made me think. Nice work.
Line 4: "If I’d only known twenty years ago what I couldn’t eat." This line confused me a bit. But maybe this poem is a personal work?
Line 5: "As my joy erupts from within, as my sorrow fades" Another great line, no issues here.
Line 6: "I see so clearly what life is for, I let go of my hate." And this is where the title makes sense the most. But I wish you could us a different word than "let go" It would flow a bit better if you did.
Line 7: "With my feet firmly on the ground, I will live this life." I feel like the first part of this sentence better narrates an action. So an action should go after it.
Line 8: "I will smile, I will laugh, I’ll feel not the string of strife." Good line. But replace "I'll" with "I will" since you sort of had a bit of a repetition going in this line.
Line 9: "Though my life source has been taken, a new one I now see." Another great line. I applaud you. c:
Line 10: "The only thing that was ever wrong was what was wrong with me. " Good repetition. I enjoyed this poem and it was not bad for your first light-hearted of works. Nice job, and I hope to read more of your work in the future. Kudos to you,
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ ❤︎
I appreciate you taking time to review my work. Though I disagree with a few points you've made, I appreciate the criticism. Some of the past/future tense confusion was intentional, though I agree with you on the I'll repetition.
Please don't call me bud 0.o
My allergies are as follows: dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, spores,mold,dust,perfume,cologne,scented detergent,scented candles,certain shampoos,certain scented hair products,flowers,chocolate(slightly), grass(when mowed) and various weeds. You're not alone. I actually have eczema. We discovered that my allergies are a product of me. When I stress I trigger my allergies so I have to work on staying relaxed and calm. This whole time I was my own enemy. So, knowing that, you can imagine I LOVED this poem. Isn't it nice to be free? Very nice and I'm glad you're back to writing happy poems. Keep it up and I'll be following for more.