Dream world

Hi! Writervid here for a review!

Everything technical here is fantastic--I love your rhyme scheme, your stanzas are separated, the spelling is good--so here I'll just focus on analysis.

The emotions that come with the first stanza are like this feeling of hopelessness and loss and confusion.

The emotions with the second stanza are those in the first stanza intensified, as well as more one of regret. I definitely felt myself thinking back to some things I had regretted doing in the past. It also made me feel like I was beating myself up over something.

The third stanza made me feel like I had the time my grandfather died. It was calm, though. I felt...at peace, but sad.

The fourth stanza made me really question. I kept thinking about it after I put my mobile down. It relates a lot to some things I've been feeling lately and this is the best way I've seen it phrased. Might just read this poem every once in a while to think a little more on this.

Great poem. I really, really enjoyed this.

Hello.

This piece mostly adheres to the rhyme scheme set up, except for the third stanza. Both of those are slanted rhymes at best, when every other rhyme in here is a perfect rhyme. If a poem going to use a rhyme scheme, make sure it's followed everywhere. The flow of the poem just got lost with that third stanza because the rhyme is so different.

There is also how "be" is capitalized mid sentence in your first line, but there is no other mid-sentence capitalization anywhere else.

For me my biggest hang up with this piece is how it took me till the end to figure out if this was metaphorical or physical death. There aren't really very many hints of a breakup or metaphorical death, so I was left on the fence until the third stanza, which actually muddies the waters despite clarifying. Because it's so blunt in saying the person has just died, it leads me to believe it's physical death... then there's a chest rising and falling, which indicates life.

So the harshness of the metaphor is carried out too far, if that makes sense. It does too good a job capturing the emotions because the grief feels like a real physical death, instead of just a metaphorical breakup. It's always tricky working with metaphors like this, where they're so closed off there aren't really any hints of the contrary to it being a metaphor. This feels like it goes too far, because it did take me so long to figure out this was a break up type of grief, instead of a 'person has passed away' grief.

All in all, it's pretty and impactful, but muddy on the purpose. Clear that up and this will be much stronger.

~Rosey

Okay, this pretty much describes my dreams. I can relate to it all, and it all makes sense to me. I think this is going to be one of my absolute favorite poems! Great job!