Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Had an interesting experience last night. I tried to get the emotions out on paper without descriptors. I think I succeeded. Hope y'all like it.
Content within myself I lay,
Wounded as an uncaught prey
That ceases to understand the utter lack of disarray.
A mess I see within my mind,
Roses weeping at the vibrant sky
Beauty and grace wrapped in a mischievous disguise.
The crowning beauty of new birth
So sweet, so pure, so full of worth
Like rose petals melting under the brightest curse.
No emotions fill my wandering soul
Neutrality finds its one true goal
Unbearable calm within my own wavering control.
Floating away like a petal in the wind
Already lost within my own sin
Perfectly content to roll the dice and try again.
Just to see the roses.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, I'm here to review! Sorry if my review doesn't make much sense, I've just woken up. x.x
Okay, first of all, I suggest you to drop the rhythm. It's a great device, I know, but if you can't keep it consistent till the end, it shouldn't be executed. The way I see this poem, it can work without it.
The first stanza doesn't make sense to me. "Content within myself I lay"? I lay content within myself? I think I lay content with myself makes more sense grammatically, but why "lay"? Also, "that ceases to understand the utter lack of disarray". Isn't a good thing though? "Disarray" is a lack of order, a confused or messy condition. It doesn't go well with "a wounded, uncaught prey".
I like this one. I'm not gonna trust my ability to interpret this poem - I read your feedback about the other reviews and it's about suicide which isn't at all come across >.> but this is a nice imagery. However, I don't think the second and third line has some sort of coherency/cohesiveness, so maybe you want to fix that. The same problem occurs in some other parts of your poem.
Ah, sin! I guess this one suggests suicide although the concept of sin is too general and it doesn't automatically hint us of suicide. The first line though, I think it hints about suicide better. "Floating away like a petal in the wind" seems like the act of jumping from the roof. >.> The last line bothers me. "Perfectly content to roll the dice and try again"? What does that mean? The persona doesn't mind repeating the same thing again and again? >.>
Oh well, sorry for this unhelping poem. I just find that some clarity and cohesiveness is needed in your poem to be better understood. That being said, keep up the good job!
It's a poem about contradictions....
Hi there.
I think your opening to this poem was strong; the first two lines in addition to the title make for an interesting idea about what this poem was going to be about. I found the imagery very vivid and appreciated the descriptors you chose, how you related the narrator's apparent confusion and depression to different parts of the world.
I know someone else has already covered rhythm and rhyme here but I would just like to say I agree with them, that it needs some work. Some stanzas rhymed amazingly and I loved it, but others didn't. It was very distracting from the poem itself. I would like to point out this amazing stanza however:
"The crowning beauty of new birth
So sweet, so pure, so full of worth
Like rose petals melting under the brightest curse."
I thought this was really beautiful. Amazing job there.
Your ending was strong as well. I'm a big fan of just short, one-line sort of endings. It sums everything up well and cleanly, which I like. I was wondering, however, why the narrator wanted to see the roses, which before were discussed as 'weeping' - are they a positive or negative thing?
I'm not sure the 18+ rating was warranted.
All that aside, this was a good read. I'd love to read more from you for sure!
Lastly, I would encourage you not to explain your poem like you did on your first line. This is of course your choice, but personally I find you end up with a much stronger poem when you let the words speak for themselves. I know it's hard not to give context for things but at least wait until the reviews! ;D
Good job!
-Cairo
This work is 18 because it is about suicide. The roses are a metaphor for blood flow, hence "weeping." They're neither negative nor positive, that is up to individual interpretation. I like the flow so I'm being a bit stubborn about that but I will revisit it to make sure it's the way I wanted it structured. I liked that you caught the meaning of the poem with the confusion between the world and depression, I wasn't sure if that was strongly 2nough rooted in the poem so I'm glad to see it picked out. When I tried to kill myself I just remember thinking that the blood looked like rose petals. This poem was written the day aftwr, if that clears anything up.
Hey there! I'm here for a fairly quick review.
So, to be honest, I don't really understand this poem. I like the atmosphere, but I don't really understand what's going on. You might want to make this more literal, root is in more concrete imagery.
Some of your lines are just unnecessarily convoluted. For example, "That ceases to understand the utter lack of disarray" really means "stops understanding how everything is in order." I don't really understand why it would cease to understand that, as opposed to never understanding it in the first place, and overall you could word that line a lot more simply.
Rhyme and Rhythm
I'm not entirely sure why you made this poem rhyme. It's really not a requirement, and I'm not sure it adds anything here. Not only that, but a lot of the time it makes it hard to understand what you mean.
Also, pay attention to the rhythm. Because all your lines rhyme, the reader expects them to also have roughly the same length and flow, so some of your longer lines really threw me off. The last lines of the second and forth stanzas were the main ones. Try making those shorter and more in rhythm.
I like the ending. It was at that point that I started to get a sense of the poem's meaning - the person has accepted life how it is with the amount of control that they have over it. I like that as a message, and I think that a rhyming poem like this with a strong, established rhythm would work to put that message across, just because a pattern conveys that sort of sense. Really the only problem is that it's currently a little dense and the flow is off.
I hope this review was helpful, and I'm sorry that I wasn't more specific. I'm just not quite sure what you're trying to go for here, so I'm not sure how I can help. If you have any questions about what I said (because I'm sure it was confusing), please ask!
I appreciate your effort but this poem is extremely structured. Each stanza has the same weight, the longer lines are even and regular and the flow works perfrctly. I think you simply didn't read it the way it was written to be read. Also, I liked your interpretation of the poem a lot, but I think you should hear mine. I tried to kill myself with an iv and the mention of roses is metaphorical for watching the blood seep into the bath water. I like the positivity of your interpretation though so thank you for sharing that with me. I will revisit the flow and make sure that each first and second line is 8-9 and every third is 12-13, as was my original intent.