I've had an idea for a poem like this in my head for a while, and I finally sat down for about 20 minutes yesterday and wrote it so it's sort of like a first draft. I was wanting to use more imagery and better metaphors but at 11 last night I wasn't exactly thinking of anything note worthy. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them!
Shattered winds rise up broken wings
over tree tops of pain and sorrow.
To a place where the eagles fall,
The vultures sing, and there’s no tomorrow.
All beauty shatters, upon detest.
Happiness falls only to the grotesque.
Evil reigns and heathens strain
Only to hear the good’s cries of pain.
The hopeful scream,
The faithful die.
The beautiful squirm,
And the righteous cry.
How will you know when this is to come?
Just look to the tree tops and above.
If you see the vultures singing songs of joy,
You know all the eagles have been destroyed.
When the veils of the righteous have been torn,
The evil will not think to mourn,
The vultures will take up their rightful places,
Over the tree tops of disgraces
For shattered winds rise broken wings,
Over tree tops of pain and sorrow.
To a place where the eagles fall,
The vultures sing, and there’s no tomorrow.
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I love the whole theme of vultures here, it's brilliant! Nobody writes poetry about vultures. Maybe the occasional depiction of gore, but nothing like you've done here. Eagles are seen as the strongest and most majestic birds of prey, vultures eat dead stuff, and it makes me think not only of the lesser rising above, but also some kind of moral decay.
To work on I would say the rhymes. Some of them feel really forced, and there are one or two that don't completely rhyme at all. When I get stuck I usually google search for a rhyming dictionary to help, and pick a word that I wouldn't normally use. Unusual or unexpected rhymes work much better, and when trying to force it we usually grab the first that comes to mind without really exploring the posibilities.
The rhythm could do with tweaking too. I'd recommend practicing with some very basic poetry structures first and then venturing beyond them before you try something more complex like this.
Overall I do like it- the theme, and structure, and very much the imagery, just keep playing about with different themes and ideas and don't be scared to tear things apart even if it messes them up once in a while.
Keep it up! = D
~ Ten