I try to make sense of the stretch marks on my upper thighs
with simple metaphors.
they are rain dripping down a window
in a seemingly intentional manner.
I have thunder thighs.
they are a pile of pinky fingers
chopped from limp hands
and scattered on a wood floor-
a killer's token.
my body is subject to murder.
they are the cracks in a stain glass window,
which some onlookers deem destruction,
while others proclaim a master piece.
I am weathered and weathering.
I cannot remember a time when
I could look in the mirror without
pinching handfuls of blubbering imperfection,
which makes me every other teenager on the planet.
I can remember a time when I was ashamed to bleed,
but now I hold my tampons visibly in my hands,
like trophies with plaques reading:
my body functions normally.
I am not afraid, nor embarrassed.
I roll my eyes at your discomfort.
and between my thunder thighs,
between my web of marks as white as scars
I bleed, happily.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Pleasure to meet you.
I think it makes more sense as "my body is witness to murder". The pinky fingers couldn't simultaneously be your body as fingers and as stretchmarks, could they? I mean, it doesn't work for me, but witness does.
Everything else in this poem is working -- the words that exist right now, that is. But I felt like the pace was off. We spent so much time with your stretchmarks, but we get a snap of period, and the poem is over. You say you remember a time when you were ashamed to bleed (sorry, I know, narrator, but maybe also you, but I'm just referring to the narrator as you for convenience, not personal address), so why don't we get some of that? We got so much of the contemplation of the stretch marks in those three gorgeous descriptions, and the bleeding is going to be the strong bookend of the poem, but it doesn't feel fleshed out enough. I think in adding more substance to that section, you might be able to find strong lines than "I am not afraid, nor embarrassed./ I roll my eyes at your discomfort". They are powerful alone, but the first stanza of your poem overshadows them and suddenly makes them more pedestrian than what you need.
I hope this makes some sense to you. Feel free to reply or message me if you have questions or comments about this review. Great work. Thanks for sharing,
Hannah
Thanks, this is really helpful!
Hello this is Remington38,
I would just like to start by simply stating I love your confidence and almost envy it. This is something I feel every girl should read and feel. I wish I could say I would do what you just did but I don't have the confidence for that. You are so inspiring to write something so funny yet I speak for a lot of girls in saying on how important this is at the same time.
"I bleed, happily."
Thanks!
This is really awesome, thought I'd just tell you.
aw, thanks!
This is something people are afraid to talk about, and I'm so glad that you did. And we shall bleed with confidence!
Thanks!!!
omg! This is great! It's funny, but also shows what girls go through to be...well, normal. Keep at it!
Thank you!!
I can feel the feminine empowerment coursing through the air.
Thanks, I think?
I think it's fair to say that this poem is rather unique, right? Brownie points for you, miss. (I assume you're a "miss")
It's hard to tell whether this poem is takes a serious or comical tone, but i'm guessing it's a mix. something interesting you could try is to show the dynamism of your charter (you) by changing the tone of the poem as it continues. Melancholy at first, discuss your insecurities and the toll on your mental health, then as it goes on, bring on the humor. It seems like you did this already, but if you did it could use some reinforcement cause it's not apparent that's what youre trying.
I super like the line "between my thunder thighs" (which you should capitalize. blasphemer.)
I'm a dude, by the way, but i really find it amusing how scared us guys are of period stuff and when girls mention it. It's like kryptonite, and thats hilarious. You mentioned that, barely, but i think that's a concept that you could go more in depth on. maybe even a full stanza and how it may have made you insecure when your period first started,or put the humorous spin on it. you couuld go a few different ways with that.
The word "visibly" in "but now I hold my tampon visibly in my hand" is a bit redundant. i don't see why it wouldn't be visible, and i also don't see why it's necessary to be visible. Another note on this line, is, you could mention whether the tampon is used or not. If you want to add a note of discomfort, mentioning the smell or something like that or that its in your fist could force a cringe or two.
I couldnt find much wrong with the poem besides that? and most of what i'm saying arent even problems, just places where you could expand! I really like the boldnessof it, and the, how do i say it, lazy confidence you have in the end? it's a wellcommunicated message.
Keep writing! have a grand day, bucko
The visibly was actually very important - people who get periods are socialized to hide their tampons. Also, maybe it's wrong to assume readers would know the tampons referenced in the poem are unused, but at the same time who carries around used tampons? That's a biohazard.
Also, thanks for the review!!!
It would be like a "What the heck is this this is new" type of hold, im saying
I've never read such a heartfelt poem about tampons.
I've never written such a heartfelt poem about tampons!!!