So we are outsiders,
Because we make human trains and
Slide down plastic slides
And when we strip off our clothes
We are making a song reference
Not playing truth or dare?
Your spine is my timeline.
And my lungs are a little too large,
And my ribcage a little too small,
And breathing makes me winded,
And breathlessness makes me scared.
And remember when I would have hitchhiked
All the way to Philadelphia?
Remember when I loved you?
How I loved you.
Remember all those things we yelled at each other.
I hope my words are ringing in your ears
(A five month old echo)
Cause I stopped loving you,
When we stopped yelling.
Sometimes, I think I’m growing wings.
I feel them poking through the skin stretched across my back.
And every time I crane my neck to see them in the mirror
They look different than they did the day before.
Yesterday, they were smoking silver
Long, soft feathers.
Today, they are the wings plucked from a monarch butterfly.
Tomorrow, opaque and pale pink
Or maybe not there at all,
But it doesn’t matter.
I asked you if you’d live in the woods with me,
If you wanted to be faires.
And you said yes, yes of course.
I need you more than wings.
I want you more than flying.
Look at the people moving around us.
The ones with toes that barely skim the pavement,
They're fading,
10 snapshots away from being ghosts.
The people who don’t move at all
Will soon be statutes,
Cold cement.
But, the people far away
Probably never existed at all.
When we emerge from this blanket,
From these trees,
The entire world will look different,
I can feel it.
But it’s all dandelions
Grass, grass, grass
And prom dresses.
People-airplanes belong to the rain,
And the clouds.
They are born from heavy, afternoon grey,
And they produce the most peculiar buzzing sounds.
I traded mascara stiff eyelashes
For tiny black and white circus tents,
And whenever I blink they cascade down my cheeks,
And I hear the magician,
And the fortune teller,
And the contortionist,
And the caramel corn vender
Screaming as they fall.
Your eyes look a little bit blood shot.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Hey there!
I'll tell you right from go: I have little criticism, because I enjoyed this. You incorporate many subtle but powerful comparisons, and have a talent for developing your ideas through the use of metaphor. But in my opinion, your phrasing and composition needs a little work.
I wish this was stated as a declaration. Beginning a line with the word "So" sounds like I'm entering a conversation that's already half-over. Since this is the first line we're talking about, I'd say something more like "We are outsiders / Because we make human trains" etc. I think that would also give more definition to the satirical message you're attempting to convey with that first stanza.
Your transitions are a little awkward. You jump from talking as a collective "we" about public opinion, to speaking to someone who assumes the identity of your lover / past lover. And then, after several stanzas of describing the experiences you had with this person (which I liked very much), you spend three or four stanzas just talking about human tendency. Never once does the piece come full circle, which is slightly disappointing, as you have so many great segments and seemingly nowhere to put them.
I think this has a ton of potential. Like I said, I have a particular affinity for this. The second stanza was fabulous (Your spine is my timeline / And my lungs are a little too large, / And my ribcage a little too small, / And breathing makes me winded, / And breathlessness makes me scared). Those little bits of imagery are diamonds in a rough. Also, the way that that part of the poem is read--esp. the repetition of "and" at the beginning of each line--sounds rushed, which is perfect for portraying the narrator's breathlessness.
Again, I have to point out the disappointment I feel at the disjointedness of this piece, as your ideas are so fantastic. I noticed the 5th stanza in particular, where you talked about how the people were "10 snapshots away from being ghosts". You really have something here. I just can't pick it out from all of the other debris you have circulating. I would suggest that maybe you dissect this into several parts. Pair up stanzas with similar ideas. (For instance, put stanzas 2, 3, and 4 together, because they're all directed at the narrator's past lover.) Like zsmith pointed out in their review, it almost seems as though you have many different poems combined into one. That's how weak your transitions are. Work on building those transitions, and picking out the great stuff from the good.
I love everything you're trying to say, but not the way you're choosing to say it. Try all of these segments in different works; you're more likely to end up with a unified work if your ideas all coalesce. Like a wise man by the name of Jason Street once said in Friday Night Lights, "You can have it all, but you can't have it all at once."
Overall, it's great, but it needs a little rearrangement. I hope this review proved helpful to you!
Best of wishes,
Savvy
This poem was very well put together! I enjoyed reading it and the only thing I really have a problem with is the bouncing themes but it is mostly an opinion than anything else. I felt like if you had stuck to one setting it would make the poem flow more. You could also try to connect the roughly changing scenery from stanza to stanza with a transitioning sentence.
But as I said this is an opinion and other people could really like your use of changing scenery!
I'm just going to go through and pick out a few (maybe not even that, you have wrote this poem well) errors or grammar changes.
In the last stanza, the one with the circus theme.
You use the word 'carmel', I don't know if it is spelled differently in different regions but I think it should be 'Caramel'.
That is about all I can pick out for errors.
Also, sometimes not using contractions can make a sentence stand out more.
Such as
Could be more successful if you wrote it like
"Sometimes, I think I am growing wings"
Your poem was really lovely and I look forward to reading more of yours!
thanks for the help!
This poem was very well put together! I enjoyed reading it and the only thing I really have a problem with is the bouncing themes but it is mostly an opinion than anything else. I felt like if you had stuck to one setting it would make the poem flow more. You could also try to connect the roughly changing scenery from stanza to stanza with a transitioning sentence.
But as I said this is an opinion and other people could really like your use of changing scenery!
I'm just going to go through and pick out a few (maybe not even that, you have wrote this poem well) errors or grammar changes.
In the last stanza, the one with the circus theme.
You use the word 'carmel', I don't know if it is spelled differently in different regions but I think it should be 'Caramel'.
That is about all I can pick out for errors.
Also, sometimes not using contractions can make a sentence stand out more.
Such as
Could be more successful if you wrote it like
"Sometimes, I think I am growing wings"
Your poem was really lovely and I look forward to reading more of yours!
This was amazing.
aw, thanks!
Hey there, zsmith here to review.
This was amazing. I don't say that lightly because I don't like poetry usually. It was a little long for a poem though, so I almost stopped reading it but decided I enjoyed the start so much I should stick through to the end. But to be honest the last half wasnt as good as the first half and I almost felt like they were two different poems (from "look at the people around us" onwards). I felt like it could've ended at "I want you more than flying" and I would've been extremely satisfied.
The poem was really poignant and mesmerizing. The sad and simple tones was what sold it for me. The first stanza confused me a little because I wasn't sure how being an outsider, human trains (whatever they are?), song references and truth or dare are all related. But maybe that's because I'm too old to get it... heh. Your flow and word choice is excellent. The second stanza was probably my favorite stanza, not just out of this poem but out of every poem I've ever read. That's no exaggeration. I loved it. You have some real talent in you.
Good work and keep writing
-Zsmith
Thank you! I definitely want to modify the 5th stanza, but I don't know how yet.