Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


i'm bleeding on the super moon

by spectator


bored, wearing hoop earrings

i put on lipgloss because

i forgot chapstick

my hands want to move

or i like the taste of strawberries                                                                                                                   

i think i like myself better

with my shirt off

breasts out

but pants buttoned up

belt hugging waist

hidden under a layer of stiff jean

are creases in my skin

trails of dark hair

i cannot decipher the fabric

brown, black, or grey                                                                                                                                           

you like me better

running my mouth off

maybe think that’s the way

i always am cause

the three times you’ve caught me

i’ve been post-cup-of-coffee

reeled in my mouth

dripping like a faucet

mistook this for fun

or interesting                                                                                                                                                        

i have to ask

what will you do with my silences

i know, i’ll be fiddling

with my hoop earrings


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Wed Nov 16, 2016 3:33 am
View Likes
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So I usually like your poetry, but I was mixed on this one. I thought it was a little confusing but the images that you create are the same as always but I wish there was more because it's the strength. I don't particularly know what the title has to do with the rest of the poem and I felt it was a little unrelated. Why name and base the poem off the supermoon if it's only going to be relevant for the next couple of weeks?

My main thing with this poem is that it just describes the speaker and not as much around them. You do great descriptions of the speaker but we don't really get to know the atmosphere around them as much. Tell us what's going on around them and give us more than just that. Give us what's around them, their surroundings and how they look and smell and taste, give us all of that.

Along with this, I didn't really find the theme of the poem or the emotion? The emotion for me, wasn't really there this time and it's one of the things that made me mixed. This goes back to your descriptions of the speaker and everything immediately near them but we never get to really know how the speaker feels other than bored. I didn't understand why the poem was written and for me it was harder to interpret this time, but that might be just me.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 620
Reviews: 11

Donate
Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:08 pm
View Likes
nightflyer wrote a review...



I'm not really sure what's happening in this. Some of your lines don't quite flow, like at the end of the first stanza.
my hands want to move

or i like the taste of strawberries
There really isn't any rhyme or reason to this, which maybe is the purpose, but i couldn't find a theme at all. The only thing that matched were your hoop earrings. It has a nice start, but it just doesn't have a good poetry feel. Maybe work on the flow a little, and try to connect a little of what you're saying. Overall good start.





Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe