from our vantage point,
everything looked isotropic, yet -
you kept drawing constellations on my thigh,
i stopped asking you to point them out again,
instead, said “i see them, yes, gemini and orion -
i see myself in the sky.”
you went home.
i wrote the same poem:
cosmic imagery without a cosmic order,
regurgitating the (iso)tropes i (iso)trophy-ize.
i wrote the same poem:
hoping this time bone marrow will
shoot out from my fingertips, and
if i roll it thin enough bone marrow
will serve as floss -
like violin strings made from cat guts,
except no one’s making music.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey! I really loved your poem.
To be honest I don't have much to say but I'll try and make this at least 4 sentences so that it counts as a review and gets out of the green room
I really loved the way you used "isotopes" u just made chemistry interesting for me ... Now every time I'll come across this word in my text book I'll think about this poem xD.
The end was really interesting and simply I don't know what to say... Cauz this poem really perfect...
Great job,
~DD
(Ik this should not be a review as it does not gibes u any advise ... But I really want to get this out of the green room...)
I am so unreasonably excited about this piece. There is so much content to dig into I literally feel giddy.
So I'm gonna bypass the preamble and get right to it, yah feel?
The fourth stanza by far is your strongest and by strongest I mean it's not messing around. The sharp cadence, the imagery, those last two lines that hit me in all the good spots. Yes, everything about this is jiving in all kinds of good ways.
Just a note on the rhythm however, which is that at times it can get a bit jarring. For instance:
I'm not a huge fan of ending lines off with 'and' for this very reason. Instead of the enjambment working to sort of flow the line from one to the next, it leaves this hanging gap that makes your poem jagged where it could be sweeping. In this particular case, I might even suggest removing the 'and' altogether and end the previous line off as a separate independent clause. There'll be a laxness to it that lets the reader concentrate more on the imagery and the content as opposed to the quick breaks.
The jarring language is most noticeable, however, in your first stanza:
A spliced comma is a spliced comma, whether in prose or poetry. In this case, you have two independent clauses separated by a comma (though, I assume, due to the nature of the dashes). I would suggest considering the use of a semicolon here however even with that in mind it still has this sort of list-like quality that I'm not totally sure I'm jiving with.
As an aside, I'm also not sure how I feel about the use of constellation imagery right out the door. It has this sort of tweeny vibe that, though you're talented enough to break away from that sort of gooeyness constellations can evoke, the cliche of it can be a bit of a downer next to your powerhouse fourth stanza.
Despite that, I'm buying everything your selling, and I'll pay double for what you're not cause this is so, so good.
Bless
DW
this is so nice and makes me really happy