Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
i think about him, but not too often.
things like:
i hope that he’s picturing me naked, and
jerking off right now.
i touch him, and touch him,
and suddenly, with my eyes closed, i am imagining
that so many people must feel the exact same way as
he does under my fingertips.
muscle. skin. bones.
when he calls me beautiful,
laughing is the easiest way to
pretend i’m flattered.
i kiss her on the cheek,
it’s playful, i’m friendly,
but i feel guilty.
maybe because my heart is sweating, and uncomfortable,
not like the way it just beats when he jams his mouth
into mine, but
like it belongs somewhere other than my chest.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
First of all, the title is beautiful. It was very evocative, and made me want to read straight away. I think it's a very honest poem, and looks at love in a really interesting way, and I enjoyed reading it. There were slightly more naughty parts, but it wasn't too over the top, which I liked. I love the last few lines. I'm not too sure why, but they just carried a lot of meaning and I read them over and over again.
My one small gripe was the loss of capitalization. The poem was still amazing, but somehow capitals just add a little more maturity. It's still something I'm working on as well, but that was the one little thing that got me.
Well done! I enjoyed it.
Thanks!
Wow! I do loved this love poem. I generally don't like love things but this one did make me feel something. I love the first stanza:
'i hope that he’s picturing me naked, and
jerking off right now.'
That's such a naughty yet true thing. Boys (like me) do imagine their crushes like it and sure jerk off
I do not think there is anywhere you can edit this piece, it's amazing as it is.
Well done!
Thank you!
Hey there, spectator! I'm here to review your poem.
The first thing that catches my eye is oftenly. I don't know if you did this on purpose (in poetry you can break language rules) or just spelt the word wrong, but the correct word to use often. I also think that the sentence sounds better when corrected.
Apart from that first line, I think your poem is well constructed. The only thing I would change is in these two lines: that so many people must feel the exact same way as / he does under my fingertips. I think the line break could be one word earlier, after way. In my mind, that just flows better. But it's up to you, of course! It still reads well either way. I really liked the way you've split up the rest of the sentences; you've drawn out messages and meanings at the correct times and to a good extent. I also liked your rare use of italics.
What touched me most was the third 'stanza'. The emotions are so clear in this one, you didn't need to use similes or italics or anything fancy, the message is just there and it's loud and clear. It's pretty relatable too.
Overall, this is a great poem. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks! And I'll fix oftenly!