november rain washes away to
something between ice and snow
today, i won’t listen to regina spektor
or feel elegant because
a dead russian poet
also wrote rain and bitter-cold months
instead, i will dwell on the feeling
of water and ice slipping through
the sliver of space between
the smooth sole of my shoe and
the sidewalk
i won’t feel smarter
i’m not the only one who
strings together sentences
with a lot of s-words
and likes the image of
shirtless women
easy to imagine sliding out
from underneath myself
like there’s somewhere else
for self to go
pavement cracks skulls in half
and my blood fills in the cracks
between sidewalk squares
i forget what red rivers mean
maybe something worse than
dead dogs and caged birds
i could ask a wizened old man
or steinbeck
but questions are a waste
over spit to eye
i won’t feel accomplished
writing my death
though it’s
poetic/prophetic/hardly sympathetic
anyway, i’ve never heard the phrase
up and coming poet
how convenient that
cell phone companies create daily shitshows
(my uncle is stuck in an airport in tampa
alone on his birthday
flight missed
phone nonfunctional)
but always seem to forget
to discontinue the voicemails of the dead
if my family is looking for comfort
after i’ve bled out on the sidewalk
they won’t find it
only an automated voice
reading off the number
they’ve already dialed
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,305 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
Hey, spectator
First Impressions: This is a great poem, written with a lot of emotion and a lot of imagery. (I'm not exactly sure what thoughts you're wanting me to think by the end, which isn't bad, but I'd love to hear what you, the writer, wrote it for. Tag me if you want.)
Positives: I enjoy all of the personal opinion and feeling that you've chucked into this. In fact, it's almost overpowering at times because you say something that I might not necessarily agree with, which is good, because it's you.
Every writer needs their own voice.
This is good because it brings in more than just the common stuff. You've strung together some inside items that can only be understood if you know some background, which shows depth and substance.
Negatives: I don't actually have anything negative to say about this piece, besides the obvious formatting and grammar issues which come with all writing, mostly because it is such a personal poem, and I'm not the writer, so I don't feel like there's a need.. Fix those few mistakes, and I'm good.
Overall: I like it, and I think it's a good portfolio filler.
I give it:
thanks, bud! i'd love to chat about it sometime!
To start, I loved this poem. I always enjoy poems with this tone. If I were to suggest anything, it would be that you could fix the capitalization and punctuation, but that isn't usually an issue, since some tend to write poems like that. I love how the stanzas are different lengths. Something else I liked was how you transitioned from the stanza starting with "easy to imagine..." to the next stanza, then sort of returned to the latter stanza at the end. Out of all, the last stanza is my favourite. It sums up the poem very well. Good work!
thanks so much! what do you mean by 'fix'?
Ah, sorry that's confusing. I meant that nothing is capitalized, including "I." If you wanted, you could capitalize the beginnings of sentences or stanzas, and add periods, commas, etc., but it's fine the way it is.
Hi there! I hope things are going easy for you at the moment and i am quite interested about what inspired you to write this piece. I find it very interesting and creepy at the same time. I mean, who wouldn't be when reading reading about coldness and death? I think there is one thing you need to work on, but i think that you might have a different opinion about this. It maybe that i've been watching too many horror movies, but i think that your poem can be a bit more suspenseful. I love the way you put cold and ice in this, but i think you could add a bit of foreshadowing to it.
I think that having to put ice and feeling down and bitter is not enough to create a suspense or a foreshadow. When reading this halfway, i feel like i am reading about a depressed person and i had never thought i would read about death.
Plus, i am sorry for this but reading the first few stanzas of your poem, makes me feel like laughing. I think it is about the way you brought up regina spektor and shirtless woman. I don't know if it goes against your purpose or not. I just want to say that this is a great poem. I like the smoothness of it (not the death, no, i don't like death, no one likes it death). It might be scary, but who wouldn't want to listen to a bit of a creepy story? I do!!
thank you!