If given the chance,
Would you play God?
Maybe just for a day?
Or even a few hours?
New jeans,
A shiny clipboard,
And a checklist to creation.
Check the box for brown eyes.
Check the box for blonde hair.
Check the box for compassion.
Or maybe it’s more like ordering a coffee?
Yes, I’d like her tall and skinny,
But not too sweet.
Oh, and hold the whipped cream.
But there are days,
When the copy machine breaks,
And your coffee tastes more bitter than disappointment.
And what do you do then?
Pavlov,
If you shot your dogs,
In the back of their heads,
Would the satisfying splat,
Of their brains against the wall,
Make you salivate?
Darwin,
If you crushed a tiny beetle,
In your enormous fist,
Would the warm spot of blood,
Sitting idly in your palm,
Evolve into regret?
Monet,
You skewered your paintings.
Does that make you feel serene,
In a way lucid water,
And the sweet scent
Of flowers never did?
Dear God,
As you pluck the last breathes,
From the back of our throats,
Do you smile?
Amen.
I am mild
And I am meek,
But constellations are,
Double knots in my sneakers,
And I could crush
All the matter in the universe,
In just one stomp.
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139,816 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey dear!
I like the title of your poem . May be my perception is different in reviewing but according to me its a nice poem. Though its a convetsarion with Almighty !. I praise the way this is penned.The choice of subject is nice. The way in which emotions are carved is amazing. Overall I like your penning. Keep it up and you polish more. Blessings!
*swallows to clear mouth of cupcake*
Hey Summer,
Firstly I think your title is great it represents what your poem is about without telling what you are going to say. Additionally it has an intriguing feel which makes me eager to read on.
I felt that this poem has three major sections
Beginning to “And what would you do then?”
“And what would you do then?” to “Amen”
Then the last stanza.
So I will review per section.
The first section has a self-contemplation feel which I think is mainly created by the questions.
Your choice of starting off your poem with questions is an interesting one. It suggests that your poem may answer the questions posed at the beginning. However I think it does work as it act as an intro to “New Jeans…”
Your use of repeats “Check the box…” is one of my favourite parts in this poem
Evidently you are describing a girl and drawing a similarity to ordering coffee. Not too sweet does this exceptionally well however “hold the whipped cream” loses the analogy to a person. “Tall and skinny” works because it makes me think of the coffee cup.
“When the copy machine breaks,” do you mean Coffee machine?
This next part links the first to the second well. Interpreted as your creations turns into a disappointment.
While the first section has a self-contemplation feel which I think is mainly created by the questions, this section has taken quite a sinister turn.
Additionally it is more structured.
Reading the first two “if” as you have for the first two. “If you shot your dogs,” “If you crushed a tiny beetle,” it disrupted it a little bit for the third, Monet to be addressed as “you” which is the only qualm I have with it.
This middle section is the most powerful section and is very clever. I recognised the subtle references to their work with salivate and evolve. Then you tie it back to god questioning the existence of death.
I am unsure if the final part is you “playing god” or god responding. It is my least favourite part as to me it feels slightly tagged on at the end but the language you have used in it is powerful so don’t get rid of it.
Normally I don’t review unless I have particular points which could be improved however this review was requested so I hope it was of some use anyway. This as the other reviews have said a fantastic poem which is powerful and contemplative.
Don't worry, this was totally helpful! Thanks so much, you're the best buddy ever! I did not mean coffee machine; copy machine was suppose to parallel to the new jeans and the clip board. Also, the 3rd stanza of the second question is suppose to be posing a different question than the first 2 instead of "what would it feel like to destroy your creations?" It's "You destroyed your creations, how did it feel?" (Which is true, Monet really did cut up some of his paintings). As for the last stanza, the mild and meek part is stolen from a William Blake poem, and the stanza as a whole is suppose to contrast with the tangible, and emotionless actions of ordering a coffee or filling out a checklist. Hopefully that clarified things? Except if I was a better poet, I wouldn't have to clarify them. Oh well
*I wrote question, but I meant section. My brain sometimes confuses itself.
That's fantastic I understand the last part better now. My favorite books story's and poems are ones I can read multiple times. Your clarification means I get to read over the poem again and go "oh".
Hey! I'm here to review your poem!
(Sorry if it isn't a good review:P)
I like this, a lot. You make it feel real, as if my friend is here right now, telling me this. It's powerful, it's flows nicely. I find it cool that you italicilised the reader's thinking. The last three lines are just powerful, "And I could crush", "All the matter in the universe", "In just one stomp", I love that. Amazing. I will 100 percent be reading more poems, stories, chapters, anything from you.
Keep writing! Keep the amazing work!
Ronan
(I re-posted because I forgot to check the review button last time)
Hey! I'm here to review your poem!
(Sorry if it isn't a good review:P)
I like this, a lot. You make it feel real, as if my friend is here right now, telling me this. It's powerful, it's flows nicely. I find it cool that you italicilised the reader's thinking. The last three lines are just powerful, "And I could crush", "All the matter in the universe", "In just one stomp", I love that. Amazing. I will 100 percent be reading more poems, stories, chapters, anything from you.
Keep writing! Keep the amazing work!
Ronan
(I forgot to check the review button, I will repost
Thanks a million!
Hi there! I like this a lot.Because you used actual people in it (Pavlov, Darwin, Monet). And I like how you made the reader make them feel like they are "playing God". It's strange how we create characters and stories for them. But all of it is so fascinating.I like how you italicised what the reader was "thinking". I really like the last part: "And I could crush, all the matter in the universe, in just one stomp". That was really powerful.I am definitely reading more of your stuff as soon as I can!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it