railroad tracks crisscross across
the nation like
tiny bandages covering
a gaping scab on a knee
passenger cars slip away
into the folds of
the sawdust landscape
or boom towns
the train whistle lingers
you wear it like earrings
or a birthmark
nestled, forgotten in the crook of your hip
paper tickets belong to scrapbooks
glued down
instead of traveling between hands
conductor to passenger
no crinkled dollar bills
are required to
lay pennies along the tracks
and watch train wheels squeeze them to ovals
or to extend arms
like a dancer/butterfly/tightrope-walker
and balance
soles of boots clinking against metal
or to point out the graffiti
on the side of an abandoned box car
to a friend and
say you've seen it somewhere before
small town america creeps
inside the neck of the city's sweater
into busy streets deserted at night
and corners lined with brick storefronts
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hello! This is a good poem the perfectly reflects a small town. Trains do go all over the place and I love the tone of the poem. It makes you feel like you are in an old small town. The one main problem with this line: "like a dancer/butterfly/tightrope-walker" which breaks the aforementioned tone and is just plain annoying to try to read. Other than that, this is a good poem, and you should keep writing more. Keep up the good work!
Live Long and Write Prosperously
-20JPorter
Thanks!
Hey!
So, I really like the sad/nostalgic feel about this poem. Not capitalizing anything adds to this for me, and the incomplete sentences make it sound so longing... Great work, for sure. The title makes sense with the poem, so that was also very well done.
I only have two critiques, the first being that the slashes in "like a dancer/butterfly/tightrope-walker" sounded a little awkward to me. The rest of the poem is smooth, but this chops it up. Or maybe that's how you wanted it? I don't know. The second is just that the ending seemed a little abrupt. Maybe changing the word you used for "storefronts" would remedy this and give the poem more closure.
That's all I've got. Awesome job on this poem!
-Grace
Thank you!