Hello there <3 <3
I know this poem has been lurking for a year now, but you've got only two reviews so why not? I hope this will help you to some degree oof This will be a short review for your short poem:)
I don't want to sound harsh but I felt a disconnection with the poem. Although there's imagery, metaphors, and some personification, I felt like it was a cumulation of different phrases I've heard before.
Break the bonds of love >> I see this a lot
Wrinkles, sags, gray hairs >> a quintessential description of old age
Blood pumping through my veins >> I've seen this in romance novels
My suggestion would be making them personal -- something based on your experience that is vividly described.
-What is this bond of love? What does it feel to be in it? How do you define thatlove? How did that bond of love form?
-What do you like about old age? If you met your grandparents, what do you see striking in their situation? What reminds you of them?
- I don't have a question for this one. However, I think you should phrase it in a way that you could say you own it. If this was based on a personal experience, you can use a situation or something you did that has a similar message.
and on and I cant seem to reach the end.
Lately forever is only until tomorrow and my hearts
crystalizing every time these tomorrows come
These two lines are conflicting with each other ^^ If she sees forever as "forever but with fists and fights," it doesn't go well with forever that "ends the next day."
There's also the repetition of tomorrow. I don't know if it's intentional but I would just like to make you aware of it. I actually like it. If you'd have to choose between the two meanings of forevers, I personally would choose "forever is until tomorrow." The repetition here emphasised that forever is reduced to a fleeting moment. It's a good one.
My last critique would be in this line:
you told me we'd grow old in our laughter and together
our skin would wrinkle and sag, gray hair starting at
the root of our hearts.
I wanted to talk to you about consistency. If you're going to describe the looks of old age, why not describe the experience as well (rather than reducing it to laughter)? It would add more ground to the poem because a touch of experiences and graphic images about them would be heart-warming to read.
That's all I could say! If you have any questions, ask away. Lol hopefully, my review doesn't look crammed
Keep writing sis <3 <3
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
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