You told me forever wouldn't be enough to break the
bonds of the love you had for me,
you told me we'd grow old in our laughter and together
our skin would wrinkle and sag, gray hair starting at
the root of our hearts.
But lately I've begun to see forever as an endless
chapter of fist fights and words, its pages stretching on
and on and I cant seem to reach the end.
Lately forever is only until tomorrow and my hearts
crystalizing every time these tomorrows come
and I don't know how much longer I can keep the
blood pumping through my veins.
a/n: honestly I don't remember writing this but it was saved under a folder for my poetry that I haven't opened in a couple years so I hope you guys enjoy.
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Hello there <3 <3
I know this poem has been lurking for a year now, but you've got only two reviews so why not? I hope this will help you to some degree oof This will be a short review for your short poem:)
I don't want to sound harsh but I felt a disconnection with the poem. Although there's imagery, metaphors, and some personification, I felt like it was a cumulation of different phrases I've heard before.
Break the bonds of love >> I see this a lot
Wrinkles, sags, gray hairs >> a quintessential description of old age
Blood pumping through my veins >> I've seen this in romance novels
My suggestion would be making them personal -- something based on your experience that is vividly described.
-What is this bond of love? What does it feel to be in it? How do you define thatlove? How did that bond of love form?
-What do you like about old age? If you met your grandparents, what do you see striking in their situation? What reminds you of them?
- I don't have a question for this one. However, I think you should phrase it in a way that you could say you own it. If this was based on a personal experience, you can use a situation or something you did that has a similar message.
These two lines are conflicting with each other ^^ If she sees forever as "forever but with fists and fights," it doesn't go well with forever that "ends the next day."
There's also the repetition of tomorrow. I don't know if it's intentional but I would just like to make you aware of it. I actually like it. If you'd have to choose between the two meanings of forevers, I personally would choose "forever is until tomorrow." The repetition here emphasised that forever is reduced to a fleeting moment. It's a good one.
My last critique would be in this line:
I wanted to talk to you about consistency. If you're going to describe the looks of old age, why not describe the experience as well (rather than reducing it to laughter)? It would add more ground to the poem because a touch of experiences and graphic images about them would be heart-warming to read.
That's all I could say! If you have any questions, ask away. Lol hopefully, my review doesn't look crammed
even though it isKeep writing sis <3 <3
This poem was so emotive, and it's clear that when you wrote it you were trying to get across the emotions that it portrays which you did very well.
I like the structure- especially the long sentences as they make the poem flow very well and show that you have so much to say on the topic that the lines just kept on going. You didn't have much time to stop and pause. This creates a great effect on the reader and makes them feel whatever you were feeling at the time, which is a great skill when it comes to poetry! Enjambment is always a nice thing in poetry and in my opinion, is pretty tricky to use rightly, which you have done!
Hey Cat! I suck at poetry so I won't correct anything but I will tell you what I thought of this.
It's relatable and to me, that is a major must in writing. Especially poetry. To me, writing is to pull your audience into it by making them feel less alone. This piece is very relatable because everyone has someone that promises to be with them for forever but breaks that promise. While I was reading, I could feel the sadness/betrayal that one would feel in a situation like this. It is short and to the point and I like that. No one likes a poem that goes ON AND ON AND ON! So well done. I like it.
Your friend,
Honora