I once believed in forever, childhood wonder
and endless sunshine without rainy days.
But gone too soon like a reverence of Santa
I dreamt in feverent ripples of melancholy
lacy webs of silicone passion to dark
I stumbled on them and over my pride.
She sank her teeth into me, bitterness dripped
from her lips like icy venom that got over sweetened,
squared words from a clipped tongue.
She made me believe her, over and over
until my knees bruised and my palms bled
in repeated repentance of an endless sin.
Darkness became comforting, night time my friend
loud music drowned out the words,
she carefully scripted, like book pages over worn
and time weathered, bent corners – dog eared and
saved for later. 2 am became my mornings, 3 my noon
quietness my noise, like a song stuck in my head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This piece is a little abstract, but I don't have any major comments for it. Took my breath away.
Wow, I love the emotion in this piece, good job!
This is making me tear. I really luv how u out your heart into this. Loved it
This was really good! I'm going to review this just for the writing of the poetry itself, not the 50/50 chance of it being your experience or not.
The imagery and metaphor and simile in this is freakin amazing. It really makes this poem shine, makes it really pretty and vivid, and also adds to the inherent darkness of it. There were some places, such as the middle two lines of the last stanza "she carefully scripted [...] dog eared and...]"
And the last thing - over sweetened should have a hyphen (I do this too, don't worry), so it should be "over-sweetened"
Hey!
Luke here to review!
So, first of all, I'm really sorry if this is your personal story right now. There are times I can relate, but more with my father rather than my mother. If you ever need to talk, I've heard I'm a good listener.
Your word usage is incredibly evocative in this poetry, so it really helps push forward your narrative. It's incredibly effective as a piece, and I really enjoy it. The middle stanza is my favourite- absolutely exquisite.
My only real issue is that the punctuation needs work. There are points where it's just very difficult to get my head around what you're trying to tell me, either because there's no punctuation, or because there's punctuation where it shouldn't be. So just read your work over again and make a few edits.
Ultimately, this is a really beautiful poem. It just needs a tiny bit more work, perhaps because of your raw emotion at the time of writing.
Best wishes, and keep writing,
Luke
I really like this. You really put your heart and how you feel into writing. I heart that cuz I understand that