he smelled of sweat and sawdust and lumber
large, muscled arms that would engulf me in
warm hugs I desperately clung to.
when I kissed his cheek I could feel the prickle
of his stubble brush against my face and it tickled.
it always tickled.
his hands were rough, calloused from long years of
hard work; a good man trying to build a home.
six years old and I remember tight hugs and
lost smiles that never reached his eyes as he
hugged us goodbye outside that airport gate.
he wore the color of freedom, of gunpowder and
honor --eighteen months too long.
he is cold nights spent inside, fresh popped
popcorn in large paper bags and old horror movies,
black and white, on the television screen.
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Just a quick commentary review here -
^ the lack of punctuation between line 1 and 2 makes the reader read "he smelled like lumber large" which is really odd. I'd either take out "large" or put a period at the end of line 1 to stop misinterpretation there.
^ the "it always tickled" comes off as a bit odd to me as a descriptor, what's the purpose of the echo? It's also the shortest line in the poem so gets a lot of emphasis for sort of a weird detail. I don't think it's needed.
^ love this part, I think this is the strongest section of the poem - it connects with anyone who has had to say goodbye to a parent at an airport - it's a weird lost feeling, and you capture that with just the simple description. I also like the little paradoxes or contrasts you've put in here the soft tickling vs the rough work, the smiles vs the eyes. One critique is that you use the description of hugs for a second time in the poem, which for such a short piece I don't think both are needed as it gets repetitive.
It felt like the poem should end there really, because we get the reveal of why the father was leaving, and maybe some details about his character to help us make sense of the rest of the poem, the last 3 lines following these didn't really have as much impact or internal connection to me.
Overall, you've got a good sense of weaving imagery through narrative, and it's a touching reflection of a child about their father, but I think will still relate to many even if they don't have that same experience described.
Well done!
~alliyah
Hello Jasper!
I hope you don't mind me calling you that.
This is a really good poem.
I really enjoyed reading it and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
I do have some suggestions for you though.
First off, you probably should put space between your lines, and also separate them in categories.
Also i do see a few grammar and punctuation errors you may want to fix.
Put some more feeling into it also....
Either than that this is great!!
Keep up the good work!
Have a great rest of your day!!
Sincerely Anma
Hey, first of, i really loved your poem!
It had some really amazing imagery and I could really feel the emotions shining through.
The enjambment added a great effect on the reader- you had so much to say about your father that you couldn't just limit yourself to one line, you had to spill over.
I liked the punctuation too, it really helped the poem flow.
Overall, i thought it was a very sweet and emotive poem! Can't really think of anything else to say, there's certainly nothing to criticise!
Hello jaspercat, I hope I can offer a constructive critique.
"he smelled of sweat and sawdust and lumber"
-an evocative and sensory first line
"large, muscled arms that would engulf me in
warm hugs I desperately clung to."
-an intimate and visual image. I question the reasoning behind the period at the end of this phrase It's inconsistent with the first line.
"when I kissed his cheek I could feel the prickle
of his stubble brush against my face and it tickled."
-another sensory line. Some of the descriptions are repetitive, i.e. "prickle, stubble, brush, tickle." I suggest parsing down the description to something like: "when I kissed his cheek, his stubble prickled my skin and it tickled"
"he wore the color of freedom, of gunpowder and
honor --eighteen months too long."
-i don't know what these colors are. i'm not too fond of this line, but that's just me being skeptical about these terms being associated with the u.s. military (i'm guessing)
"he is cold nights spent inside, fresh popped
popcorn in large paper bags and old horror movies,
black and white, on the television screen."
-interesting way to end the poem. the trajectory doesn't flow organically from the previous images, but I like that. the previous lines were too gung-ho for me. i like these final lines better.
This is a good visual poem. I'd reconsider some of the periods and how consistent they are with the formatting overall. Thanks for sharing!
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