She told me once that she liked my smile;
but I thought it was too stretched, with lips too thin
and the fat of my face pooled around my chin and cheeks
like gelatinous meat, gross and in desperate need of a thinning.
She told me I had gorgeous eyes;
but I knew that what she really meant
was that they were muddy and lacked a distinguished hue,
too close together and sunken in like hazel gemstones-
heavy and lifeless.
She told me my hair was beautiful;
but then she complained when my curls got too tight
and the teeth of her comb couldn't slide their way
down my knotted locks, "too difficult to
manage" she'd say "why don't you cut it off?"
She told me to love myself- be more comfortable with who I am;
but I could always see the disgusted glances
thrown like daggers from the corners of her eyes
hitting my flesh like dictionary words I never understood-
corpulent, grotesque.
She told me once that she was my best friend;
two peas in a pod,
a couple of fish that never fit in with the rest of
the ocean.
She built me up-high onto a grand pedestal
and when she kicked it out from under me,
I fell, with flayling limbs to the ground
until I hit it with a thud that knocked the
breath from my lungs and pride from my heart.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya,
First of all, like AlexNoelle said, absolutely heartbreaking poem. Presumably, this means you did a wonderful job, because I can definitely tell that's the reaction you were going for.
Now then...
Nitpicks:
1. Given how similar they are in content and structure, I'm confused about why the last line of stanza four is indented, but the last line of stanza two is not.
2. I believe you misspelled 'flailing' in the third line of the last stanza.
General Comments:
1. Incredible use of imagery! None of it was really scene-setting, which is kind of my preference, but the focus on you and your body and how it made you feel was superb. (Well, not superb in like a I-feel-nice way but you know)
2. It's a little odd that the fifth stanza looks and reads so differently from the four before it when, as far as I can tell, it is not the turning moment of the poem. Just from a structural standpoint, you usually want to keep things consistent until that moment where you reveal the depth or twist on your narrative/theme.
3. On the note of consistency though, nice repetition at the beginnings of your first five stanzas!
4. This metaphor that you have at the end, with its visual action element, could stand to be extended or hinted at through earlier sections of the piece. It's clear that you have a strong narrative that you're telling throughout the piece, and that's really great! But it's also a little disorienting to have this metaphor thrown in at the very end.
That's about it! Overall, this is a super strong poem, and I had to really dig into the knowledge base to find some kind of advice.
Great work!
-Vento
Awesome poem, and so relatable. Fake freindships are so real nowadays, being played is the common trend of modern reality. Nothing gramatically stuck out as incorrect, and the poem flowed pretty well. Anyways, great poem, and I hope to read more in the future. :3
Woah.
Okay, I just read this and when I saw it had no reviews yet, I had to do something about it.
I don’t do much poetry as I’m not that good at it. So this will basically be compliments and what I liked about it.
It was... heartbreaking. Really well written. I loved your word choice and your descriptive terms. This nearly brought tears to my eyes as I read it. I am guessing this is based on a real experience, but everything in me is hoping it’s not.
I’m sure you’ll get more constructive reviews than this one. I just had to say how much I love your writing style and how talented you have to be to write something like this.
Fantastic job.
Thank you, I'm glad you liked the piece. And yes, it is written about a real experience.