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E - Everyone

His name is Empathy

by myjaspercat


I was kissed in the rain under the fading embers of an empty sun
that grew three times its size, before it grew the consequential
discovery that it too, would eventually fall under the category of once was.

And the rain was cold, penetrating the layers of my skin like acid-
that fell from God's eyes at lighting speed as he wept at the
violence that tore apart a vision of an eternity of humanity.

It shook my bones to the core and sent shock waves
down my spine, until I too became a part of the weeping
bow that bent my spine and left me paralyzed from the heart down.

I was left with nothing more than my brain and the robotic
sequential emotions that had slowly tricked me into thinking
that I could somehow relate with the entirety of humanity.

The world was simply black and white, demanding that I get in line. Its stark light left no room for shadows and it blinded me from the
conceptual concept that at this rate I'd too would fall under the category of once was.

But that kiss, oh that kiss, awakened an inner fire
I thought I had lost, forgotten in the paralyzing explosion of
an idea I once thought I knew all too well.

He breathed into me everything that he was,
all his emotions and memories and feelings hit me like
a tsunami wave that would tear down the concrete walls that apathy had built inside of me.

And as if I could once more feel my toes wiggle in the
sand that was once warmed by the sun who never knew it would
fall in the category of once was, I could feel it snake its way through my soles.

It rebuilt everything I once stood on, unbending my spine from
my feet up, until I could clearly see the veil above the black and white
that held the shadows of a world I'd always dreamt of, but never saw.

His breath blew me up like a balloon until I felt weightless,
lifted off the ground that had torn me down
to the brink of the waterfall that flowed in a continuous down with no end.

That kiss married me to a man who unshielded the veil of a life
that took from me the reality of what it meant to be individually minded,
and his name, so sacred on my tongue, was empathy.


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243 Reviews


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Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:15 am
silented1 wrote a review...



I was kissed in the rain under the fading embers of an empty sun This line is great for emotion, it really says this is fake to me.
that grew three times its size, before it grew the consequential
discovery that it too, would eventually fall under the category of once was. You should shorten this and the previous line because it would make more sense. The previous line makes less sense because it grew consequential. That's abstract and makes for poor imagery.

And the rain was cold, penetrating the layers of my skin like acid-
that fell from God's eyes at lighting speed as he wept at the
violence that tore apart a vision of an eternity of humanity. This part is good, the only complaint I have is that the rain was like acid. It's so unrealistic that I don't see the imagery. But it makes sense maybe I am just too literal for this part. It's good though.

It shook my bones to the core and sent shock waves
down my spine, until I too became a part of the weeping
bow that bent my spine and left me paralyzed from the heart down. This part makes less sense. Are they arching their back or something? Sorry if that was rude, I just don't know the best way to phrase my question. Maybe add some more of an image / picture to this part. Not detail though. And paralyzed from the heart down is great.

I was left with nothing more than my brain and the robotic
sequential emotions that had slowly tricked me into thinking
that I could somehow relate with the entirety of humanity. Good fluent work. Well done.

The world was simply black and white, demanding that I get in line.
Its stark light left no room for shadows and it blinded me from the
conceptual concept that at this rate I'd too would fall under the category of once was. Conceptual concept doesn't make sense to me. And the mention of what was was very emotional. Well done.

But that kiss, oh that kiss, awakened an inner fire
I thought I had lost, forgotten in the paralyzing explosion of
an idea I once thought I knew all too well. No complaints.

He breathed into me everything that he was,
all his emotions and memories and feelings hit me like
a tsunami wave that would tear down the concrete walls that apathy had built inside of me.

And as if I could once more feel my toes wiggle in the
sand that was once warmed by the sun who never knew it would
fall in the category of once was, I could feel it snake its way through my soles.

It rebuilt everything I once stood on, unbending my spine from
my feet up, until I could clearly see the veil above the black and white
that held the shadows of a world I'd always dreamt of, but never saw.

His breath blew me up like a balloon until I felt weightless,
lifted off the ground that had torn me down
to the brink of the waterfall that flowed in a continuous down with no end.

That kiss married me to a man who unshielded the veil of a life
that took from me the reality of what it meant to be individually minded,
and his name, so sacred on my tongue, was empathy.


This seems like it's two or three poems in one. It's quite meaty and there's a lot to it. Maybe put the rain imagery into its own poem, and the relationship part to another poem.




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Sun Aug 26, 2018 9:05 pm
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Amabilia wrote a review...



Hey myjaspercat, Amabilia is here to review!

As I always do, I'll start off with grammar fixes.
In your first stanza, you have a comma after "size" that shouldn't be there. Also, in the third stanza, the comma after "spine" needs to be removed. Same thing with the comma after "of" in stanza nine.
In stanza two, you spelled "lightning incorrectly" and in stanza five you say "...rate I'd too would fall..." Either take out the "'d" or the "would." Also, I'm not sure if it's grammatically incorrect, but the hyphen after "acid" in stanza two breaks the flow of words.

In stanza six, you use "once" at the end. The only problems I have with this are minor and don't require change, it's just that you use that word quite a bit in this poem and you use it when referring to the category "once was." I guess I just feel like it should be only used when referring to the category because that would make it slightly more powerful.
In the next stanza, you split a line in a weird place, "...and feelings hit me like, a tsunami wave that..." maybe you should break the line after "me?" I don't know, it just feels like it doesn't flow quite as well. (I talk about flow a lot, sorry.)
Same thing with "...who never knew it would, fall in the category of once was..."

Anyways, I loved all the emotion and intense descriptions in your poem. I can only ever hope of describing things this vividly XD.

Keep writing!
Am




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Sun Aug 26, 2018 1:19 am
Eros wrote a review...



Hey, there, myjaspercat!!

Here is Eros with a review for this beautiful piece of poetry of yours on this special day of the review day !!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY !!

So... Llllet's BEGIN!!

The title was super awesome and attracted me to just peep in and see what the content of the poem really is. The flow of the poem is very smooth and the feelings and the thoughts are expressed very beautiful. The ideas are linked together through the stanzas, together weaving it into a beautiful poem!

I liked how you have described your thoughts about the past, like in the lines of the stanza,

And as if I could once more feel my toes wiggle in the
sand that was once warmed by the sun who never knew it would
fall in the category of once was, I could feel it snake its way through my soles.


You first felt the warm sand. Then as it was all happening, you were simultaneously thinking that it once was. Then the same applies here to:

I was kissed in the rain under the fading embers of an empty sun
that grew three times its size, before it grew the consequential
discovery that it too, would eventually fall under the category of once was.


The sun will also eventually become "once was". This "once was" makes the poem all the more unique and different from everything I have read on here. It was a beautiful poetry with great variety of words describing the feelings very nicely. Describing feelings is oneof the toughest taSk for a writer, and you have done it very nicely.

I loved the kiss part. That was just beautiful.

The choice of set of the words suits the poem very well. The style of writing was very easy to understand and the thoughts were conveyed to me in a really sweet and poetic manner. I loved it... Thanks for sharing this piece!

Great work! Awesomeness was flowing throughout the poem !!

Keep writing such beautiful and amazing poetries and other stuff, and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them!!

Have a great day/ night !

With love,
From Eros.
:D
The Blue Arrows.




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Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:50 pm
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slurringsugars wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Jess.
This piece is definitely one of the best I have read on here. I really like the way you physically wrote it, kinda like a going back and forth. I have no critiques on it, I just love it.
I wish you the best with your writings and poetry. You have a true knack for allowing emotions to flow onto a paper in a way people can understand it.

Sincerely, Slurringsugars




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Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:33 pm
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jamalkadiorovna wrote a review...



I really liked this one! It's intelligent in a way and it took me two tries to read it through and understand it but when I did, I was really really impressed. It has the style of a more feminine and heartfelt Shakespeare poem and I liked how you used descriptions that are typically modern, in contrast to the overall mood of the poem, which is more timeless and a bit gothic (in my opinion).
Personally, I love dramatic adjectives, words and descriptions, so the first sentence "I was kissed in the rain under the fading embers of an empty sun" really hooked me and made me want to read on.
So great work on this one, I loved it! :D





Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
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