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The Night I Committed Suicide

by myjaspercat


My mama doesn't know how to cry anymore,
she just sits there silently -a statue of immortality-
gripping my baby blanket, it's frayed edges laced around her fingers.
She's remembering my tiny fists balled into the fabric
dragging it behind me like a cape -of youthful protection-
wondering where she went wrong. 

My mama doesn't speak anymore,
all the words in her throat dried up when she screamed
so loudly the walls of our house shook and fell around her.
Her body flying across the room to where I lay -broken and quiet-
my skin sticky from the sweat of uncertainty,
I know she tried to save me
but saving was a word no longer in the dictionary of my life. 
I wonder if she believed me now...

My papa's going through chemo
and I know he can't taste anything anymore
but I'm pretty sure if he could regain his ability he would only
taste that bitter flavor -the one that young death emits.-
I remember when he told me he had cancer,
I laughed nervously inside my soul while I tried to find
a will to stay alive -for him.-

My papa's digging a hole in his backyard now -whispering prayers of forgiveness-
he calls it his dying hole because that's where his heart is.
I wonder, maybe he thinks that if he was six feet under
he could smell my peppermint shampoo one more time.
But the peppermint ran out and it has been replaced with
the smell of wet earth and freshly fallen rain. 

My brother's are mourning the only way they know how,
two grown men crying heavy tears behind closed doors
-I know my twin feels the emptiness in the air.-
They have begun to drown their sorrows in liquor bottles
spilled out on the floor. 'Drink up sister' they say
'maybe if you'd had enough the alcohol would have made you forget for a day.'

My twin is staring at a bottle of pills again
I think he's finally realized that I was able to do what he couldn't finish himself.
His mind wanders to that hospital room where I hugged him tightly
and whispered 'I love you' in his ear -those three words
cleansing him better than the iv in his arm.-
My older brother just hits everything now
his fists taking the damage he refuses to let his heart feel.
He was always to stubborn minded for his own good,
hopefully he can forgive me too. 

The night I committed suicide I sang along to the radio
my voice clear and bright. -music always filled me with life-
I dressed in my cutest clothes and spent forever fixing my makeup
I wanted to look pretty, I've always wanted to look pretty.
The night I committed suicide I cleaned my room,
I didn't want to leave a mess behind for other people to take care of
-that would have been extremely rude.-
I made my bed and tucked the corners
then climbed atop and let the red river's run.
maybe next time I could forgive myself.
maybe.

[a/n] Yes I am ok, this was written a while ago and I recently found it in a stack of books I was unpacking. It made me cry and look back at where I was less than a year ago and I decided it finally deserved to come out and live a little too.[a/n]


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116 Reviews


Points: 9465
Reviews: 116

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 12:18 pm
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ChrisCalaid wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm here for a quick review.
First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. And I really enjoyed reading this...It reminded me of who I was before about two years ago...It was hard but I'm still here ain't I? So with that, I'd love to suggest a few things to you and finish today with a good deep sigh.

Suggestions

My mama doesn't know how to cry anymore,
she just sits there silently -a statue of immortality-
gripping my baby blanket, it's frayed edges laced around her fingers.
She's remembering my tiny fists balled into the fabric
dragging it behind me like a cape -of youthful protection-
wondering where she went wrong.


I suggest you use a comma instead of "-".

My twin is staring at a bottle of pills again
I think he's finally realized that I was able to do what he couldn't finish himself.
His mind wanders to that hospital room where I hugged him tightly
and whispered 'I love you' in his ear -those three words
cleansing him better than the iv in his arm.-
My older brother just hits everything now
his fists taking the damage he refuses to let his heart feel.
He was always to stubborn minded for his own good,
hopefully he can forgive me too.


"He was always to stubborn minded for his own good". "to" needs to be "too".

I suggest you use a comma after "hopefully".

However, suggestions are suggestions, please feel free to ignore these as you wish.

Thank you for writing this, you made my day!
Keep on writing!

Wish you the best,
Chris Calaid




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109 Reviews


Points: 1940
Reviews: 109

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Sun Dec 27, 2020 4:57 am
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Gnomish wrote a review...



Okay, this is very heavy (Which I knew from the title) and I'm not quite sure how to approach this, so I apologize in advance if it is insensitive in any way.

First of all, this is very emotional. It almost made me cry and you express feelings so simply but powerfully. I like the first lineit starts out strong and succinctly. I also like the pattern throughout the poem with the first line.
"My mama doesn't know how to cry anymore"
"My mama doesn't speak anymore" etc.

One thing I noticed is that when you're talking about the peppermint shampoo, the line "But the peppermint ran out and it has been replaced with the smell of wet earth and freshly fallen rain." kind of removed me from the poem a little bit. I'm not sure why, but I feel like their could be a more succinct way to say this. (Again, just my thoughts for you to consider, do whatever you think is right).

all the words in her throat dried up when she screamed
so loudly the walls of our house shook and fell around her.
I think this is my favourite line. I love how it isn't literal, but demonstrates the pain your mother felt.


Near the end I feel like the drifting pattern at the beginning was lost a little bit, and it started to feel like more of a story. Then again, this helps explain important things that add to the work.

Overall, I really like this, and it definitely is powerful!
-Gnomish




myjaspercat says...


thank you for the review! I'm glad you were able to enjoy the piece. I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration and I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.




I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights