I like to believe that Jesus lives in a storm drain, right off one of the main roads that runs through my city besides a cute little stream and park just like the infamous 'It'. I also like to believe that he has long hair, brown in color and matted; almost as if he took one look at a roadrunner's nest and decided that he too wanted to shelter the innocence of a new life. He came to me, my Jesus on a chilly autumn night six feet ahead of me and to the right. I didn't notice him at first, almost as if he rose from the ground like the cold mist that swirled around my feet in winter. My Jesus wore Jordans that stuck out like red thumbs against the new age hipster pants that sagged around his waist, inching closer and closer to a revelation that mother Mary would sure be ashamed of. I was on my way home from work that day, I taught Sunday school ironically enough, and while many lessons had always told us that Jesus was a Jewish man of color, I now grew the knowledge of this not being true. You see my Jesus was as white as light with dark circles under his eyes so deep in color they looked as if they were painted there every morning in resemblance of late night drinking with very little sleep. He had bruises all over his arms and his wrists and I knew what that meant. I saw needles hang from his pockets, and he walked with a hidden limp, two fingers grinding the butt of a cigarette into dust. But I knew he was my Jesus because as soon as I turned around to get a closer look, he had disappeared. Vanished, into thin air that only someone with immense power could do.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Well written. You have a talent. I hope you won't drop it in the future.
Hi there myjaspercat! Looks like this lovely poem is still in the Green Room, so I'm going to get it out of there and earn my fourth red star.
First stanza is nice, but I think Pennywise is the name of the clown, not "It".
I like the imagery in the second stanza, but ending a line on "the" is weak, so I would end on "shelter".
I think this stanza is interesting and incredibly important because the speaker goes from musing about a hypothetical Jesus to seeing a real one. However, I feel like it could be a little tighter. I'm not a fan of "six feet ahead of me and to the right" because it sounds weird and the rhyme with night sticks out like a sore thumb. Here's my attempt at rewording:
He came to me, my Jesus on a chilly autumn night,
rising from the ground like the cold mist
that swirled around my feet in winter.
I didn't notice him at first.
I'm not sure if you need that last line, but I think this description is a little tighter.
Ha! I loved this line and this stanza.
It's funny that you say that Sunday school teaches that Jesus was a man of color, because I feel like church tends to whitewash Jesus and downplay that fact. I also like that she's a Sunday school teacher, but stating "ironically enough" after that feels too obvious. The last line is clunky-why not just say "I knew not that this was untrue"?
Love the next two stanzas. The imagery is powerful and it presents an interesting idea that Jesus could be a drug addict on the streets. It sort of echoes the idea that Jesus would walk among "the least of us".
"Vanished into thin air" is cliche. Maybe the ending could be reworded.
But I knew he was my Jesus because as soon
as I turned around to get a closer look,
he vanished in an instant.
I'm not sure you need to state "that only someone with immense power could do". I think ending on his disappearance makes it clear that it's supernatural and kind of makes it feel like he's fleeting, setting up a comparison that anything we might want or worship is fleeting.
Overall, I think this paints an interesting picture of someone seeing a Jesus figure with some great imagery. I feel like there's some ambiguity as to whether this person is just some homeless dude she never noticed before or an actual supernatural figure. Having read the whole thing, I would cut the "I would like to believe" out of the first two stanzas. I think it's more powerful when the speaker is talking about this Jesus as if he were an indisputable fact.
As always, keep writing!
Thank you for your review. In fact, this poem is about a real man I saw walking down the street. I was thinking of doing another one that follows this because the same man was later found overdosed. But yeah... Thanks for the review.
Hello, Anne here to leave a review on this wonderful review day! First of all, I really loved this poem. My facorite part was where you said Jesus in Jordans.
I feel like you could have included a little more background and detail in the imagery. How did Jesuss end up here, how was the speaker sure that it was him? Little stuff likd that makes for a good poem!
As for grammar, I did not see any errors, nothing sith your spelling either. That does not mean that further revisions would be unneedd though.
Thank you for the wonderful poem on here :3 I hope to read more of your work! Have a wonderful day, and try to write something happy
- Anne
Well written. You have a talent. I hope you won't drop it in the future.