Your tongue dripped venom sweetly like candied words
wrapped in the prettiest of dressings.
You promised me that you loved me but then you sent
your comments racing through the air like lashings,
that kept biting at my skin until I was left with battle scars
from the fights I never saw coming.
I remember when you used to hug me tightly like real wanting,
warm arms wrapped protectively around my shoulders.
But in the end I couldn't hold on to you-
because these memories were only written in the
language of my mind.
Framed artwork I created while I slept with my fingers
curled into the pillows I wished were your limbs.
You were never there.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I absolutely loved the language used here. Your word choice was really strong and projected your theme incredibly well.
I hope that I captured the correct theme from this 'cause it felt incredibly close to a toxic relationship, daydream or no. I had wondered if perhaps you were using a mixture of language to indicate this daydream was like a drug, creating a positive spin on the negative affects of desire. But it was in the middle, "that kept biting at my skin until I was left with battle scars / from the fights I never saw coming," that made me wonder if this daydream wasn't a perfect dream.
Either way, though, I still really loved how you expressed the beauty of passion here, of desiring another person. It felt incredibly real, and the emotion there really did come through. So I really did only have that one hiccup I mentioned earlier. If it isn't meant to be a toxic relationship daydream, I think it does need to be tweaked to ensure the reader doesn't get that impression with the fight lines. If it is a toxic relationship, though, I think I'd like to see the ending reflect that. You have opportunity in "framed artwork" or "fingers / curled into the pillows I wish were your limbs" to put in an extra word or two that reflects the speaker's perspective on this.
This is all food for thought! Like I said, I very much enjoyed what I read. In fact, I related to it rather well (daydream aside), which is probably why I prompted some commentary on the theme. I do commend you for your word choice, however, and the phrasing involved. Your style is dangerously beautiful, and it fit so well with the theme.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi there!
Just popping in to write a review! I hope it'll be helpful. Now I'll jump right in, so here we go!
The first two sentences are pretty good, the rest is mostly just me being picky and things I use to make a poem flow smoothly. There are various places here and there that are rather choppy, and I would make sections out of it. Making sections and paragraphs out of it makes it easier to read, plus it will help the words and feelings sink into the reader better. I would also add a little more emotion, but that's just me.