I saw the images I had of you burn up in the bonfire of my heart.
The mask you always wore on your face
melted off like cheap paraffin that always
seemed to glisten, yet I could never see the shine.
I was blinded by the way your lips moved when you talked.
Your words tasted like sweet honey-
lies that just kept spinning me round and round
as if I was just a paper flower blowing through
the wind, used and tossed away.
You got what you wanted.
You always did, and yet you kept pushing for more-
and I kept giving and giving and giving.
Giving until I had nothing left to give and then you stopped.
You had finally sucked me dry and left me
pleading for you not to go.
You used me until my fingers bled from
the countless hours I spent molding our relationship
back together. Pretending like everything was still alright
even though I knew we would never be the same again.
I don't think I'll ever fully understand why you hurt me,
why you felt the need to grip my arms so tight that
you dug your claws into my skin while you whispered
"you are my best friend" over and over again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi I'm here for a quick review. Great poem and good vocabulary. It was semi-complex with some higher meaning vocabulary and good grammar and sentence flow. The stanzas were well written and the spacing between made it easy to read and understand. The meaning of the poem was very easy to get and easily able to connect to. The poem held a lot of imagery and emotions that went around the topic and helped get the feelings felt by the reader that the author was conveying through the word choices. Overall really good I couldn't find any mistakes that really stuck out and the poem really had a nice flow and meaning to it and I enjoyed reading. Thanks for writting I hope to see more soon.
Heyaa myjaspercat!
I have just a few things to say about your poem. First of all, i like the way you open up. It really hooks us in. So far so good. Problem is, the rhythm. The next line is muuuuuch too short to have a nice little beat with the fire line. A solution to this is to add adjectives or add small words here and there. But where the first line is long, the others are too short. And that really unhooks us from your poem. After that, your poem clearly let’s go of rhymes. It might be nice if there’s a good beat, but the beat as well is irregular. I dunno if you ever read poems (well, you probably did since you’re 19) but it’s either rhymes or beat. I understand this is an overwhelming feeling, resulting in a wave of will to write as many words in a sentence to express yourself- but you must take more time. Use more description, more comparison/metaphors/similes/personification/(must I go on..?)
Anyways.
I think your poem has a lot of potential, but more comparison, more description and more time unfurling the ways you feel- and this might reach the spotlights.
You seem like a rather sad person.. I’m not sure if I might be of any help, but just know that if you want to talk to someone; I’ll always be there to listen.