z

Young Writers Society



Yet I continued to live

by myjaspercat


I died, standing under six feet of blue sky and sunshine
the autumn wind running her fingers through my hair
as she caressed my cheek and kissed my scalp.

My heart had slowed to a soft subtle beat that left a tingle
in my toes, so carefully scripted as if my life had become
a Shakespearian play destined to an ending so tragically beautiful.

I died with my eyes wide open, taking in the breathless lights
of the city that lay below me, the golden glow that radiated off
the landscape turned it into a magical kingdom.

My feet slipped out of my shoes that held them prisoner
for so long, each thread of my socks had become
permanently imprinted into the soft skin of my heels.

I died with arms stretched so far wide I wrapped the world
in an embrace that squeezed all the breath from my lungs
until I was left gasping for air, but I wasn't scared of suffocation.

My toes buried themselves in the damp soil that
wedged itself between my skin, they grew ten feet long-
twisting into encrypted patterns that told a lost story.

I died with my mouth hanging onto the last fibers of the muscles
that held it together, my jaw agape at the song autumn continued to sing
to me, her voice as light as air whispering sweet nothings.

My arms reached for the sky locked in a battle of Simon says,
too afraid to move, yet swaying back and forth to a hidden
beat that only apparently only I could hear.

I died with a quietness that rattled the ground to its core
six feet under above the decaying bodies of my ancestors
that chanted along with the rhythm of my voice that no longer was.

My fingers brushed the bellies of the clouds that sat sweetly
above me, their nails growing into a tangled mess of keratin,
hardened with the changing of the weather that sat heavy on my shoulders.

I died, and my skin grew so dry it pulled all the water from my veins
before it distended into a world of infinity, the ridges between turning
to beautiful stretch marks of a thousand shades of brown.

My hair continued to grow, small knots coming to life from the follicles
until they too grew, fattened from the electromagnetic rays that
my goddess the sun sent me in prayer sessions only we two understood.

I died, and my body changed colors, my hair turned green, I stood under six feet of
blue sky and sunshine so magnificently beautiful that I too breathed back
the carbon dioxide my lungs filtered and renamed.

My body grew stiff, my mouth forever agape at Autumns song,
My toes never stopped growing and my fingers so longingly teased
the clouds over and over again, their laughter ringing all around me.

I died but yet, I continue to live.


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12 Reviews


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Mon Aug 27, 2018 3:37 pm
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slurringsugars wrote a review...



Hello again!

This is yet again, a brilliant piece of work. I have a couple of lines that I would like to point out as awesome.

"My body grew stiff, my mouth forever agape at Autumns song,"

For some reason this makes me think of someone becoming a beautiful, magnificent tree.
You made this seem really beautiful. I'd also like to point this line,

" My heart had slowed to a soft subtle beat that left a tingle in my toes, so carefully scripted as if my life had become a Shakespearian play destined to an ending so tragically beautiful. "

This sounds really pretty, and I can make pictures out of this whole poem.

Great job!
Sincerely, Slurringsugars




myjaspercat says...


Lol I'm glad you thought it sounded like someone becoming a tree because that is exactly what I was trying to portray through the entire piece.



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8 Reviews


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Mon Aug 27, 2018 1:00 pm
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Psychotic wrote a review...



I really loved this poem! It has a nice feel to it and it sounds very poetic.

I love the way you phrased your words and were able to express what you were thinking at the moment. There isn't really much to say about this poem other than that it was really impressive.

I loved the metaphors and how well they seemed to flow with your poem. As I read this, I could perfectly picture everything. I could see that one person, or maybe many, laying among out along the landscape. This person was incredibly sad, possibly depressed even, and the people around this person haunted them constantly. And though they don't seem to like or even understand those other humans and why they do what they do, he still finds a small piece happiness in the forest. And though their soul died there, it still saved them in a way.

I think. I'm not very good at interpreting stuff.

If you were to fix something, it would be this sentence:

"My arms reached for the sky locked in a battle of Simon says,
too afraid to move, yet swaying back and forth to a hidden
beat that only apparently only I could hear."

I tripped over the last line a couple times. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that one of those "only"s belongs in this stanza. Try taking one out if you could. Or just revise it altogether.

Overall, this was truly a beautiful poem, and it's made me think of some things that I haven't really thought about before.




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Sun Aug 26, 2018 12:59 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Jaspercat, I am really impressed with this poem. It runs through the emotions and story of someone slowly dying though they are alive.

I interpreted to be about someone who is surrounded by the beauty of the world, and yet they feel this darkness, sadness, depression within themselves which makes them die metaphorically or even literally. They lose the life that was once in them, lose the joy, and start to see the world in a whole different light.

It's a sad poem, but yet there is so much raw beauty in it. Your nature imagery was especially poignant because you always related it back to emotion and to the speaker.
"My fingers brushed the bellies of clouds that sat sweetly" < - I love the alliteration there, and the phrase "bellies of clouds"

This stanza too, I thought was beautiful

My toes buried themselves in the damp soil that
wedged itself between my skin, they grew ten feet long-
twisting into encrypted patterns that told a lost story


^the mixture of the imagery of death (being buried in soil) and of life (feet growing) is great because it shows how life goes on around people when they're depressed, and yet this cloud lingers over them, they are changed.

I also so appreciate the hope you give at the end,

"I died but yet, I continue to live."

Not every poem has to have a "happy ending" but you did this in a way that doesn't negate the sadness, journey, and reality of the rest of the poem. It shows the endurance of the speaker, and was simply a perfect conclusion.

A few critiques:
I loved the consistency of the formatting - which also highlighted the importance of that last line. However I think you have a few lines in here that get too wordy and long.

Like this one:
"I died, and my body changed colors, my hair turned green, I stood under six feet of "

and this one:
"that held it together, my jaw agape at the song autumn continued to sing "

also I liked the way you blended themes through the stanzas like singing, growth, seasons, breathing, but some of that made the poem feel almost too repetitive, like the same thing was being expressed without anything new. I'd go back through and see if you can't condense a few of the stanzas to make the poem a bit more succinct, or when you repeat a thought, make sure you're repeating new information.

A quick nitpick - you capitalized "Autumn" at the end, though you don't in other places, and I think it needs an apostrophe "s". I think I might keep all the Autumn's capitalized and maybe even capitalize "sun" to point out the personification.

I also didnt' understand the meaning of the line "the carbon dioxide my lungs filtered and renamed" --I don't get the renamed part.

Overall, this was a really strong piece, my heart goes out to your friend and the circumstances that inspired this poem.

Let me know if you have any questions about my review. :)

~alliyah

Image




myjaspercat says...


Thank you for the review. I'm glad you liked it. About the renamed part, it refers to oxygen and how trees take in carbon dioxide and make it into oxygen



alliyah says...


Oh gotchya - so referring to the chemical change there. Thanks for explaining!



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Sun Aug 26, 2018 12:04 am
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AriannaC wrote a review...



What a beautiful way to describe the strength of your friend. Your writing is amazing and nearly flawless. However, let me point out the flaws, friend. Don't start every new paragraph with the title of your poem. You overused "I died". Also, lights don't breath. They cant be breathless. I understand what you meant, but it didn't sound very good. I LOVE YOU!!! JESUS LOVES YOU!!! HAVE AN AMAZING NIGHT/DAY!!!





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