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Ocean Soul

by myjaspercat

Your body consists of 60 percent of water
which means you're an ocean
stretching in all directions, complex and undiscovered.
Your veins run red with the life that flows
through your heart -73 percent water-
sustaining your ecosystem,
because that is what you are. 

You are a world created by mother nature
in order to harbor all her wonderful creations
in the ports of your ocean bones -31 percent water-
and they stretch with solidified arms so wide you
wrap yourself around the planet. 

The planet that is dying from the abundance of our carelessness
cruel hands with cruel minds -73 percent water-
that tiptoes around controversial subjects too
carefully as if they've been perfectly and thoughtfully scripted

You breathe air through your liquid lungs -83 percent water-
and rain typhoons across your landscapes
that gather the morning dew in tiny pools of
chestnut freckles that speckle the beaches of your skin -64 percent water-

People build sandcastles on your thighs molding
your surface with tender touches,
until the high tide of your muscles -75 percent water-
rolls over your coastlines and washes away their handiwork.

Your body consists of 60 percent water
which means you are an ocean
stretching in all directions, complex and undiscovered. 

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20 Reviews

Points: 620
Reviews: 20

Tue Jun 11, 2019 6:07 pm
anu wrote a review...

Hi ! I am Anu.
Your poem was WOW! Good to think Im an ocean. The facts are educational(though I'm not sure i'll remember them).You have expressed yourself well in this free verse poem.

Everything was good but the separation of third stanza when all stanzas were well connected was a looked a bit out of place.Maybe if you had made it like a type of argument(as Liminality says)it would have been better.

Nevertheless ,well done .

User avatar
81 Reviews

Points: 9227
Reviews: 81

Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:04 pm
Liminality wrote a review...

Hello! I liked this poem, especially how it's cyclic, opening and closing with the same lines. The analogy of humans being oceans works well in my opinion because you've linked so many images to it (my favourites were the ones about ocean bones and sandcastle). It would be so much greater if the idea of each stanza connected with the next one even more, like an argument being built up. You've already done this from stanzas 1-3 (the premise -> humanity's purpose --> what we're actually doing), so I would love to see that more in the second half, as I found the sudden change of topic to people's interactions with each other (?) a bit jarring.

Nevertheless, a lot of the stanzas I liked best were from the second half. On their own, stanzas 4 and 5 have the most sensory and evocative images, including "chestnut freckles that speckle the beaches of your skin", "molding", "rolls", etc. I understand the scientific theme you're going for, and I think writing about science doesn't necessarily mean using academic language. For example, "in order to harbor" could just be "to harbor" and "solidified arms" could be "an embrace", if that makes sense. Using emotive and sensory language over an academic, formal style tends to leave a bigger impact, in my opinion.

Overall, great job with this piece, and keep writing!

Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness