My head hurts, it hurts to breathe
I see evil in this world and all it sees is me
I cant escape those claws,
they tear at my heart and rip me apart.
every smile becomes a distant dream,
every tear stays a recurring memory
And now my pillow is sopping wet
it hurts to pull in a breath
but I can't seem to stop, think for a moment
why, why is this happening to me?
why can't I breathe?
Why do I feel so incomplete?
Like parts of me are missing
but they're not missing me
And I toss and turn
my gut churns
I try to hold on,
but life is letting go of me
So let me think for a moment
just a moment please,
why this is happening;
why even in my dreams
Have mercy, evil
or this temptation will fly free
And I shudder
summer warmth freezing me over
As I pull the blanket
just for a moment, I see
what would happen if I set my breath free
and never again pull it back to me
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139,031 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
I resonated with this poem a lot. I feel nervous a lot, and it tends to have my heart racing, my hands sweating, and sometimes I lose my will to breathe. Let's just put it simple and say I have extreme anxiety issues.
''My head hurts, it hurts to breathe''
First line is relatable. Usually when I'm nervous, I always have these severe headaches, that almost feel like migraines. I have to take a bottle of Ivprophen with me everywhere so it can calm it down.
''And I toss and turn
my gut churns''
I also get those gut-wrenching stomach aches out of nowhere which I hate.
Overall, I feel like this poem was really relatable, and I really like the lines of it too!
This!! I just love it when literature evokes that sense of fellow feeling. I'm sorry about your anxiety, but I have no doubt You've come out of it a much stronger person.<333
Thank you!!!
This is a good poem. The rhythm is well thought out and pleasent to read aloud. It helps hold the poem together with poem's looser overall structure. The imagery in this piece is very descriptive, but not overly so. A lot of the lines hint at their meaning without being overly explicit in description.
"I see evil in this world and all it sees is me," you write. This is one of my favorite lines in your poem and really sets your tone. Quickly skimming, before reading every word, a lot of lines in this poem conjure some sort of dragon in my mind though the mention of claws, breath, and flight.
I'd love to know what inspired this poem. I feel like I can relate to a lot of the lines during sleepless nights, especially where you write "every smile becomes a distant dream/every tear stays a recurring memory."
I don't have any suggestions for how this poem could be improved, except for maybe being more intentional about what imagery is conjured by subtle word choices (was I suppossed to imagine a dragon?).
I look forward to seeing more of your work. Keep writing, you're good at it.
This poem is about a sleepless night, when the world feels so quiet that you have to turn inwards to hear something. And what you hear (doubts, fears) often spur you into a panic. Your emotions feel like a raging river, where you must grasp at every rock on the riverbed just to keep yourself tethered to sanity. The poem in general is so vague because in moments of panic, one doesn't really have the peace to sort out their feelings and just become overwhelmed. Thank you very much for your kinds words <333
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Great to see new poets on the site, so I'm excited to take a closer look at your work!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
I interpreted this pome to be a stream of conscious account of someone trying to go to sleep, but being extremely afraid to the point of maybe having an anxiety attack. The classic idea of "counting sheep" is reused in a new way to show a person trying to soothe themselves from fear to peace, but no matter what they try, they seem to continue to lose their breath and be overwhelmed by fear.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I thought the commentary on breathing was a little repetitive and although it acted as an almost refrain, I sort of wanted the poem to explore some different aspects of the speaker's anxiety. I also think to an extend the poem lacked specificity that could have made it easier to connect to - I didn't quite get what the true source of their fear was, and so at times it felt hard to connect to.
At times the rhyming also I think made the poem lean a little more "light-hearted" instead of "gritty /dark" - in particular this line "they tear at my heart and rip me apart." <- this line felt very "roses are red / violets are blue" - I would like to see a bit more sound devices outside of rhyme in a poem with such a heavy mood and maybe used a bit more sparingly - but would admit that is also a personal preference!
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
For a "feelings heavy" poem - you still were able to incorporate a lot of imagery! I think that's a tricky think in poetry that often sets a "great" poem apart from a "good" poem. A great poem has a balance of "heady" language as well as "visual" language so that the reader is fully placed into the speaker's mind and environment! Sometimes people I think go too far to one or the other!
There were some moments when I thought the rhyme contributed really nicely to the poem making an eerie almost sing-song rhythm which contrasted with the fearful / anxious content.
Overall the poem's biggest strength was it's ability to communicate emotion clearly - I felt dread, worry, anxiety, paranoia, and over-whelmed from the content of the poem - great work getting that message out with clarity! It was easy to follow and edited well.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, I enjoyed the read and the creative spin on "counting sheep". Hope to read more of your poetry in the future, keep writing and welcome to YWS!
alliyah
Yeahh, definitely have to work on my rhyming. Glad you understand the 'counting sheep' thing, its just a coping mechanism to bring one back from the edge. Thanks a lot for your comments, will definitely try and improve in those areas! <333
Hey there, friend! I am here for day one of Team Tortoise for June
Let's get into the review:
This was a nice start. The repetition of 'hurts' stood out to me. At first, I didn't like it since they were so close together, but as I kept reading, I felt that it fit. This poem feels like a panic, as you mentioned. It gives that feeling through the words, but also the style of the writing. I like how you make a lot of statements that feel incomplete, or suddenly merge into other ideas. It encompasses that idea of a panic attack, or this loss of control.
You really emphasize this desire to know 'why?' in this part. It almost paints this visual of this repetitive cycle. You are trying to escape, but it keeps coming back. It looks like what racing thoughts would be. You also combine this with some sensory elements which was nice. You seem to keep coming back to the breath. That was cool because that is a common coping tool for panic, to focus on the breath, slow your heart rate back down, focus on one thing that is grounding, to get out of that heightened response state.
Ahhhh okay I have lots to say about this part because I really liked it and you have some clever things you did here. I love the part that I bolded, that is such an interesting thought, life letting go of you. We often think of us being the ones who can let go of life, but you really capture that loss of control here. So what I really liked was the semicolon after happening. 1) because it repesents perhaps a sudden moment, realization, relief, or pause, while continuing to live in the present struggle, and 2) semicolons are often used as a symbol of mental health or suicide recovery, the ability to continue your story while recognizing the 'end' that has or might have haltered you for some time. Love it! Not sure if those were your thoughts but that is where my mind went.
Anyways, I really liked this! At the end you talk about stopping that breath, what if you stopped trying. It ends of that question, but there is still lots of hidden and clear strength throughout the entire piece. Overall, lovely job and I look forward to reading more.
Your friend,
Ellie
You get ittt. I was just editing the grammar when i realized the symbolism of a semicolon and scrambled to add it somewhere. Thanks a lot for your review <333