Tick tock, tick tock
Goes that goddamn annoying clock.
It's always six minutes too late
gets me trying to outrun fate.
-------
Sometimes I stare when I'm bored
and sometimes the tears have me floored
It's discernably loud
but never enough to drown the voices out
--------
So I turn my attention elsewhere
Towards the clouds outside over there
That were just black with rain
yet have turned bright again
--------
But its not nearly enough
for I still feel jarred rough
By the onslaught of today
and tomorrow's upcoming foray
--------
So just for a moment
I close my eyes to pretend
That I am fine
Soon the clock is about to strike half past nine
--------
I stare in horror at the night sky
Apparently, time does fly by.
Yet again, I am too late
And its my lesson for trying to outrun fate.
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139,031 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hiya, there! Avi here with a review
into because it feels to me that the rhythm is off.I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a poem centered around time. Alarm clocks, different skies, clouds, and more clocks. It's also a bit of a sad poem.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
- I'd make
- This has a bit of an off rhythm to it, but it's most just in the last line, which can easily be tweaked to fit the rhythm of the previous ones.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
- I relate heavily to this part.
- This stanza feels like old literature poetry, like the kind you'd find in old leather books.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This is a lovely poem!
Happy Reading, Happy Writing!
-avimoon
Hi, Vic here for his 5th review today (man am i on a roll rn). I have a couple of comments about this story.
I like the rhyme scheme here, and the overall story it tells. I'm not sure of the context (if there is a story that goes with it), but it's an excellent piece about stress, shock, and not having enough time. As a student, I can definitely relate to this piece as I constantly feel overwhelmed by homework and not having enough time to do stuff, and the stress it makes me feel.
However, I do have some comments on the meter of this poem.
I don't know about you, but I think having read it out, It could do with an extra syllable on the last line to make it more lyrical.
Line 3 could use 3-4 more syllables and line 4 would probably sound better with one less.
Maybe:
"it's too discernably loud" and "ne'er enough" would sound better and provide more tone.
I would say the same for most of the rest of the poem, which has good rhymes but could use a bit more flow and structure, and bringing each line closer in syllables so that it sounds good when read would be a huge change.
Keep writing!
-Vic
Hi! It’s CATS here with a review! I found the title of this really captivating, so here I am again. Here we go!
Ooo, I love the syllable pattern in this! The first paragraph has onomatopoeia, very creative! Yup, the outrun fate part is true for everyone XD.
Second paragraph sounds emotional and true, written from the heart of the author. I think it is my favourite part!!!
The third paragraph describes how the narrator tries to help himself by distracting, looking at the clouds. I feel like nature has feelings sometimes! Very well written.
The fourth paragraph describes stress and anxiety for the next day. I find this relatable. Love it!
The narrator then is trying to fight his feelings by closing his eyes in the fifth paragraph. Trying to block out the path of fate left for him. I think it’s very descriptive!
The last and final paragraph to conclude it. It says how time flies by so fast, not even time to process what was happening. The ending sounds so good on my head. Overall, I think it is amazing and I hope you keep writing, I am excited for more of your poems! Also welcome to YWS!!! Happy Writing,
Love,
CATS
Hi! It’s CATS here with a review! I found the title of this really captivating, so here I am again. Here we go!
Ooo, I love the syllable pattern in this! The first paragraph has onomatopoeia, very creative! Yup, the outrun fate part is true for everyone XD.
Second paragraph sounds emotional and true, written from the heart of the author. I think it is my favourite part!!!
The third paragraph describes how the narrator tries to help himself by distracting, looking at the clouds. I feel like nature has feelings sometimes! Very well written.
The fourth paragraph describes stress and anxiety for the next day. I find this relatable. Love it!
The narrator then is trying to fight his feelings by closing his eyes in the fifth paragraph. Trying to block out the path of fate left for him. I think it’s very descriptive!
The last and final paragraph to conclude it. It says how time flies by so fast, not even time to process what was happening. The ending sounds so good on my head. Overall, I think it is amazing and I hope you keep writing, I am excited for more of your poems! Also welcome to YWS!!! Happy Writing,
Love,
CATS
That's heartfelt!